Especially with her baptism coming up, I want her to understand that lying is a bad thing. But she doesn’t seem to understand and always goes back to lying. She doesn’t get in trouble a lot, but when she lies, she does get in trouble. We don’t spank our kids, but we do put them in their rooms or in time out for lies. Krista still lies. I am not sure what to do, or what to say, to help her stop this.

The other difficulty I have with Krista is that we seem to butt heads a lot. She seems to be able to bring out my temper and yelling easily. We raise voices and we get frustrated and mad at each other. I want to have a home where we don’t have so much contention, but Krista and I seem to bring it out in each other. I know that I am the mother and as such, should be able to avoid allowing that to happen, but it is so hard. I don’t know what I can do for myself to help be better. But I also don’t know what I can do for her. She thinks that everything we say or do to her is an attack on her. She takes everything personally and only seems to see the bad in her life. She never notices all the good things she does or that happens to her. I want to try and help us both be better, but I don’t know what to do.

My first thought was to pray. And I have prayed about this a lot. But it seems like every time I pray for help with being more patient, my patience is tested about a thousand times more than it ever is otherwise. I am at a loss as to what to pray for anymore. It makes me feel like this horrible mother when I respond the way I do with her and I don’t like feeling this way, and I don’t like the way Krista is feeling about me either.

ANSWER  Some kids are more challenging than others. Let’s just admit it. It doesn’t mean we don’t have the same responsibility to love and teach them, but we need to recognize that, if our child came defiant and rebellious, we may have to adjust both our parenting and our expectations.

This is a challenging situation, as you say. My thoughts here don’t represent a comprehensive answer or approach, but are more in the nature of a few things to keep in mind.

1. “Guard the relationship.” My husband must have said this hundreds of times, while we were rearing our kids. Some kids are less pleasant and less likable than others, so we have to work harder at it. (Remember that Christ taught, if we love those that love us, not too impressive, even the publicans can do that. When we learn to love those that are difficult to love, now He’s paying attention.) Particularly with a less likable child, this means we plan and carry out pleasant and enjoyable activities that draw us closer. Relationships can be likened to a bank account: you can’t make withdrawals if you don’t make deposits first. Make many, ongoing deposits.
2. It’s easier to like them if we don’t measure our worth or our success as a parent by how our kids behave. Remember, the product of parenting isn’t the child, it’s the parent. The Plan—and I do mean “The Plan”—is for difficult children to help us become better adults. I love Elder Bruce Hafen’s story about a red-headed son that was driving him crazy. When he was complaining to his wife about that son, she responded, “Bruce, that child was sent to make Christians out of us!” When trying to figure out how to change a child, we should also be asking how to change ourselves as parents so we can better teach, regulate, and exemplify.
3. If a consequence or punishment is not achieving the desired results, then you nee a new consequence. Personally, while “time out” may have it’s uses (and the best use is for parents, in my opinion), it doesn’t teach and—as it sounds in this case—is often not very effective. In order for behavior to change, the cost has to outweigh the payoff. So you may need to brainstorm with your husband and pray together about what consequences might raise the cost and be most effective for Krista. It needs to be something she really doesn’t like. I mean REALLY doesn’t like. It’s best if the consequence is connected to the offense, but sometimes it’s a stretch, I admit. Since lying “stains” us with sin and makes us unclean and unworthy of our Heavenly Father’s presence, maybe you impose a cleaning consequence Krista doesn’t like—maybe cleaning toilets (make sure she cleans them well, which will require supervision).
4. Interesting that Krista said she lied because she was embarrassed at doing something wrong. It could be that she is a bit of a perfectionist. That may sound strange but sometimes that can be a part of a lying response. Either way, it’s important to regularly discuss that it’s okay for us to make mistakes or to not be perfect, as long as we’re willing to learn and improve. Mistakes, even bad choices, shouldn’t be seen as catastrophic. Ironically, in their effort to hide smaller, less offensive-to-God imperfections, people can try to cover their mistakes or sins with lies, thus terribly offending our God of truth.
5. Keep teaching and reviewing the Plan of Salvation. Therein lie all the best motivators. Make sure this isn’t preachy but loving and celebratory. Our children should see these tremendous truths as the great gift they are, not as a club that beats them up. Talk about truth as an essential component of any healthy relationship. Talk about the importance of being honest with ourselves as the foundation of any chance to grow and improve.
6. Discuss with Krista the importance of correctly weighing immediate benefits against long-term benefits. Lying may keep her out of trouble for a moment or two but not only does she face unpleasant consequences when she is (inevitably) caught, but she is building a wall between herself and her Heavenly Father. (See an earlier post on Delayed Gratification, “The Key to Success in LIfe.”)
7. When we pray for a muscle to be strengthened, we most often get a weight to lift. God doesn’t usually endow us with improvement. He gives us the opportunity to improve. So it makes complete sense that when you ask for patience, you get increased opportunities J. To help you utilize those opportunities more successfully, take “time-outs” for yourself. Go into your bedroom, bathroom, or closet and take several deep breaths and then say a prayer. Then be more patient than you were before. Step by step . . . .
8. Pray with Krista when you need help. That might mean you pull the car over (as in your example) and say a prayer that Krista will understand how essential it is that we love and honor truth. Pray that she will understand that her Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ already know what’s in her mouth and ask that Krista be wise and strong and answer truthfully. Again, VERY IMPORTANT to make these petitions loving and kind, NEVER punitive or preachy. And be sure to pray for yourself, as Krista’s mother, right there with her listening, asking that you can become a better parent and be able to help her in the ways she needs.
9. It can also be good for Krista to see you pray when you need patience. It’s good for our children to see us asking for help to be better parents for them and then to see us improve.
10. Give it time. Give time to Krista. Some kids take more time, effort, and persistence, but if we keep at it—learning to be better parents as we go—they usually start to respond, little by little. And give yourself time to develop the patience you need and to learn to like her better. God is more concerned with our direction than with our speed.

Best wishes and may God bless all parents.

I read Choosing Glory yesterday and loved it. I just wanted to comment on the idea that suffering is the route to changing terrestrial to celestial. My life is one of peace, joy, service, love and deep-seated contentment. I can honestly say I have no trials in my life, only blessings. My husband is faithful, kind, has integrity and loves me. He has been gainfully employed our whole marriage except for a brief period in 1972. We’ve never been wealthy, but compared to 99.9 percent of the world we are rich. My home is modest (as you may remember) but it is mortgage-free. My 8 children never rebelled, used drugs, or got pregnant out of wedlock. All but one married in the temple. They all served missions (boys) and earned personal progress (girls). My health, while not perfect, is good. (I am overweight and have Diabetes Type 2—big deal compared to others with cancer or MS.) I have a calling I love and read the scriptures with delight every day. I work at the temple on a regular basis and I have loved every stage of my life. I am not suffering and never have. Is there any hope for me?

ANSWER

There is, of course, hope for all those who hunger and thirst after righteousness!

On a serious note—I do think our Heavenly Father has made it clear that all who seek the Kingdom will be tried—at some point, whenever and however that comes. Here are just a few of very many prophetic statements that tell us significant trials will come:

Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 345

All intelligent beings who are crowned with crowns of glory, immortality, and eternal lives must pass through every ordeal appointed for intelligent beings to pass through, to gain their glory and exaltation. Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered to come upon the few, to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord. If we obtain the glory that Abraham obtained, we must do so by the same means that he did. If we are ever prepared to enjoy the society of Enoch, Noah, Melchizedek, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, or of their faithful children, and of the faithful Prophets and Apostles, we must pass through the same experience, and gain the knowledge, intelligence, and endowments that will prepare us to enter into the celestial kingdom of our Father and God.

D&C 101:4-5

Therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried, even as Abraham, who was commanded to offer up his only son.

For all those who will not endure chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified.

John Taylor, Journal of Discourses 24:197

Nevertheless, as I have said, it is necessary that we pass through certain ordeals, and that we be tried. But why is it that we should be tried? There is just the same necessity for it now that there was in former times. I heard the Prophet Joseph say, in speaking to the Twelve on one occasion: “You will have all kinds of trials to pass through. And it is quite as necessary for you to be tried as it was for Abraham and other men of God, and (said he) God will feel after you, and He will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance in the Celestial Kingdom of God.”

On a lighter note, some people I know—and you could be one of them—have an unquenchably positive view of life and seem to minimize the trials they have passed through.

A few examples:

The Apostle Paul proclaimed, “we glory in tribulations” (Romans 5:3).

Joseph Smith likewise, after making only a partial list of his serious life’s troubles, wrote: “deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation” (D&C 127:2).

My father takes it even a step further and regularly declares that his life has been terrific and he never had any troubles in his life. This, mind you, comes from a man whose father died when he was seven, who was the 6^th of 8 siblings, whose younger sister died very young, who grew up too often hungry, who came to this country from Mexico after his mission, with absolutely nothing, and who built a great life but not one without what most of us would consider troubles. When my dad starts to wax eloquent about how wonderful his life is, I can occasionally be heard mumbling about diagnostic categories for that kind of denial, but that’s how he sees his life!

Another thought—I remember hearing a gentleman comment in a Sunday School lesson about telling his children that growth came through trials, therefore, “If you don’t have a trial, go get one!” I disagree. The faithful can rest assured that the Lord will provide us ample opportunity for growth in His wisdom and His timing. I hope we NEVER go looking for trials.

And finally, the One you really need to answer this question always responds to earnest inquiries concerning “What lack I yet?” As Harold B. Lee used to quote, “The gospel of Jesus Christ is to comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable.” So, it’s always a good idea to check with the Lord about how he would like us to be “anxiously engaged” (D&C 58:27). He may let us know of ways we can stretch our service, better magnify our callings, more fully develop and consecrate our talents to the building of the kingdom, be more charitable to our neighbor, and become more like He is. On the other hand, He may let us know that we are moving forward “in wisdom and order” and, appropriately, not running “faster . . . than [we] have strength” (Mosiah 4:27).

Dear Sister, I celebrate your good life and/or your good attitude. Enjoy!

I have a co-worker with whom I have been discussing the issue of same-sex marriage and the repercussions on society. He is pro-family in a traditional sense, but is unsure on his political responsibility in that regard. The co-worker said to me: “The real issue I want to learn more about is the affect on a child of growing up with same-sex parents. I’m sure there is very little data on this.”

So my former student was asking for any help I might give in answering this question. I’m sharing here what I wrote in response.

To try to answer your question–

Dr. Richard Williams, currently one of the VPs at BYU, wrote an article reviewing several studies that attempted to demonstrate that there was no difference between children being raised by same-gender parents and children raised by different-gender parents. His article examines the flaws in their research and maintains that we cannot demonstrate that there will be no loss to children. I believe that article appears in the first Family Proclamation book (the big blue one, entitled Strengthening Marriage and Families), and is entitled, “A Critique of the Research on Same-Sex Parenting.” I tried to google it and didn’t come up with it online but it should be a chapter in that book.

Richard is a really good man, very bright. However, it’s been years since I read that article so I can’t say for sure how much information—of the specific kind you’re seeking—it offers.

I have spoken on this subject myself, once as a part of the “What’s the Harm?” Conference at the J. Reuban Clark Law School a few years ago that was all about the negative impacts legalization of same-sex marriage would have on families and society.

My approach was to cite a lot of the research on how children are impacted by the maleness of their fathers in certain ways and by the femaleness of their mothers in other particular ways. I never wrote up the presentation (should have, but broke a shoulder in a motorcycle accident) for the resulting journal of the conference, so I’m afraid I can’t offer a write-up of that presentation. (I do have a CD of it available on my website. It’s called “Strengthening Men, Women, and Families.” It’s not the presentation done at the Law School so it doesn’t have a pointed emphasis on the dangers of same-sex marriage to children, but a lot of the information is there.)

So, here are a few thoughts–

There are two wonderful and fascinating compendiums of research on the impact of fathering/maleness on kids.

Fatherless America by David Blankenhorn
Life Without Father by David Popenoe

They may be out of print but they’re not hard to find online. I find them compelling and quote them often on this and other related subjects.

I don’t have a book to point you to, but there is a lot of research on mothers’ impacts on children. A lot of what we know is pretty intuitive anyway. As the proclamation says, women are more naturally nurturing. Just the way they hold babies shows a big difference. Moms cuddle and dads hold up kids by their thumbs and swing them around. Research–not to mention common sense–shows that those differences are significant and beneficial for kids. As Popenoe puts it, “Mothers give their children roots and fathers give them wings.” A poetic statement that summarizes research fairly well.

I did a study myself while on campus (never tried to publish it, what was my problem??) that won me a research award, nevertheless, at a Family Science Conference in NY. It showed that college-age kids most closely believed what they believed that their mothers believed (if you follow that). As opposed to what they believed their fathers believed or what their fathers or mothers actually believed (by the parents’ report). Sort of an echo from Helaman, “they had been taught by their mothers . . . they did not doubt their mothers knew it.” So mothers are huge in the transfer of values–again, as it has been so eloquently stated, “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”

You’ll get some fascinating info on fathers’ impacts from the books I mentioned–and seriously, they are worth the read.

Now, tying this back to your question–

Motherhood is obviously, in most cases, biological. The mother-child bond is well-known and acknowledged. The horrifying times when a mother violates that bond (e.g. throwing her child away, or killing a child) shock us on a deep level because of that bond. That’s not going to change and although the love of men waxing cold seems too often to include women, it’s still tough to break that bond.

Fatherhood is considered to be more of a cultural construct. The bond between a father and a child grows, largely based on the father’s acceptance of that relationship tie and his acceptance of  the responsibility to provide for and protect that child. When society requires that of men, things work out well. When society no longer defines fathers much beyond the role of sperm-donor, fathers typically do not stay involved with kids.

As divorce has become more prevalent and more acceptable in our society, the number of children who do not have a male parent involved in their lives has skyrocketed. Those kids suffer the effects/losses of not having a father (see Blankenhorn and Popenoe for specifics). Marriage is what binds a father to his children. In fact, it is “married fatherhood” that describes a successful father-child relationship best.

Incidentally, it is not just children that lose out when fathers are not culturally and socially bound to their children. Married fathers are a very small percentage of men in our prisons. Married fatherhood has a huge and measurable civilizing effect on men. So not only are children tremendously advantaged by a father in residence but so are men and so is society at large.

Legalizing same-sex marriage is not about the sound bites–”let us share in the opportunity to be in a committed relationship, too.” Although the proponents want this to be a civil rights issue–all having access to the same privileges–it is not a civil rights issue. It is a fabric-of-society issue. Many of the primary (but behind the scenes) movers and shakers of the same-sex marriage movement have openly stated that their goal is to destroy marriage. Once same-sex marriage is legal, and this is well-understood by its chief proponents and legal experts, there will be no way to prevent any kind of marriage, including polyamory, marriage to animals, marriage to children, etc. Marriage will, sooner than we probably fear, be meaningless as an institution. AND THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE IS WHAT BINDS FATHERS TO CHILDREN. (Several years ago, I read a fascinating piece on how the Vatican II admission of homosexual men to the Catholic seminaries–and their subsequent ordination as priests–which was seen as a civil rights issue, ultimately undermined forever the institution of the priesthood. The article was written in an effort to warn against seeing “gay marriage” as a civil rights issue. Very interesting.)

BTW, although we do see homosexual men partners adopting children, that is by far the exception so it generally will mean that fewer children will have a male influence in their lives. But in either case, a male-male partnership or a female-female partnership, the child ends up without the essential gender combination of parenting influence that provides an optimal developmental environment. Of course, the Family Proclamation states that all children are entitled to birth within a family with a mother and a father but our politically correct society is clearly less and less willing to accept the essential value of that family composition. It sometimes becomes more about the “rights” of adults to have children than the rights of children to have what they need (as tragically evident in the abortion issue).

I have often heard the argument–”isn’t it better for a child to have loving gay parents than to be left in foster care or without parents, at all?” Yeah, maybe. But there is no shortage of married, heterosexual couples who will adopt and as for the kids in foster care, very few people are adopting them anyway. That’s not the pool that’s being drawn from. Generally, gay couples are using insemination or surrogacy.

So, again, diminishing the stability of marriage with more lenient divorce has hugely impacted children in negative ways because fathers are less a part of their kids’ lives. For decades now, we have known that the single best predictor of ALL ADOLESCENT PROBLEMS (drugs, drinking, teen sex, dropping out of school, trouble with the law, you name it) is having been raised in a single-parent (read father absent) home. Some states have finally realized the huge costs of easier divorce and have tried to tighten up divorce laws, but once things slide it’s almost impossible to pull them back.

Legalizing same-sex marriage will take this problem a giant step further by weakening and ultimately destroying the cultural requirement for fathers to be tied to their children. And once we take that step, there will be no going back.

I’m sure there are other, perhaps more subtle, impacts on children as well. Although certainly heterosexual marriage is at a 50% divorce rate, which has already created huge problems for kids, same-sex partnerships are much more unstable and, though there are certainly exceptions, tend not to endure.

Personally, I think we all see the writing on the wall. Same-sex marriage will eventually be legal. But the longer we can protect traditional marriage, the longer we can offer some protection for our society’s children.

End of my email response——-

I know the reasons to defend traditional marriage have been difficult for some to understand. But one last thought for those of us who are members of the Church: When was the last time the prophets were wrong?

I was married in the Temple 18 years ago and I have 6 children living at home.  My marriage has been continually emotionally and at times physically abusive. My husband’s anger and rage lie just beneath the surface and we live in fear that he will explode at any moment.  I have asked my husband if we could please talk with our Bishop and he becomes enraged and refuses to talk to him.  I have talked with my Bishop anyway.  It appears to me that time will not soften my husband into speaking with the Bishop.  I am afraid he will become violent when he finds out I have spoken with my Bishop already.  I am thinking I need to leave the relationship (or at least the house) if my Bishop were to call him in to talk with him.  At what point do I leave this relationship?  And how do you leave without completely disrupting and disturbing your children’s lives?  I am not sure where to draw the line in this relationship but still keep my Temple covenants.  My kind Bishop asks me what I want.  I want to work things out for the sake of my children, but it appears my husband is not willing. In the meantime, we live in fear.  Can you offer any counsel or insight?

ANSWER

Please continue to work with your bishop and identify other supportive resources that can help you change your situation.

To be as clear and brief as possible, I’m putting my response in a list:

1.     No one should stay in a marriage that makes them and their children live in fear.

2.     ASAP, identify where you and the children could stay to be safe (with family, friend, ward member).

3.     Have a bag packed with overnight essentials for you and your children. Buy duplicates of toothbrushes, toothpaste, make-up, sleepwear, underclothes, and a change of clothing. Include cash. Leave it in the trunk of your car or in a place you can easily grab it, and your purse, and go.

4.     If money is tight, or if you don’t have easy access to money, start saving in a separate account that your husband will not be able to access. It’s worth skimping on groceries, as much as possible (eat pancakes, broth-based soups, macaroni and cheese, etc.) to start building up some cash reserve for you and the kids.

5.     Call the police and file reports on the physical violence. I’m not sure how far after the event you can report, but find out and do what you can to start a file. Find out exactly what can be reported. (I think in many or most states even threatening and intimidating gestures can be reported, as well as any time he prevents you from leaving a room.)

6.     Identify a couple of neighbors or ward members or quorum or bishopric leaders that could come to the house quickly if you needed to call for backup (to calm your husband down or help you and the kids leave safely).

7.     Personally, I think you’re past the point where you leave the relationship.

8.     Yes, leaving will disrupt and disturb your children’s lives. But their lives are probably being even more disrupted and disturbed by living in fear. Children who grow up seeing their parents in a victim/victimizer relationship very often grow up to be either victims or victimizers themselves. The best thing you can do for them is to live a healthy life yourself and help model and teach them to live healthy lives, as well. They need to see and understand that we can move from a victim role to a non-victim agent role.

9.     Unless you descend to the level of striking back physically or emotionally, and as long as you are trying to live the gospel, you ARE keeping your temple covenants. Marriage sealings DO NOT REQUIRE US TO BE ABUSED. I would go so far as to say all our covenants, in fact, obligate us to follow Christ’s path of being a non-victim agent, meaning we should work diligently to remove ourselves from victimization.

10. Marriage sealings are conditional. Unrepented physically or emotionally behaviors violate covenants. Remember, as long as you work to live worthily, you and your children are still entitled to the blessings that come from you keeping your covenants. And your children are still sealed into the kingdom, whether or not your marriage continues.

11. When we are living in fear, we can’t grow and develop. All our energy goes into survival—into dodging and weaving for cover. We have little left over to grow, learn, develop our talents, teach our children, magnify our callings, build the kingdom, and fulfill the measure of our creation. We were not chosen to suffer. We are chosen to overcome suffering and fear through faith and through becoming more like our Savior who showed us how “to act and not be acted upon.”

12. Too often we believe someone else has to change in order for us to be safe. While it may be true that the other person(s) SHOULD change, we should not let our safety–and the safety of our children–depend on someone else’s timetable of repentance or progression (which may or may not ever happen). We can and should learn what is necessary for US to change and grow into non-victims, rather than waiting passively for victimizers to repent.

You may want to refer to my book, Choosing Glory, which I believe would give some insight to your situation and also addresses how important it is for you to take initiative to end this horrible situation. God wants us to be safe.

My very best wishes.

QUESTION

I saw your August 2010 Ed Week presentation on BYU TV (dealing with hurt and anger).  It was excellent!  My question is a side topic related to a point you mentioned in the presentation.

I am the “trusted listener” for a woman with a lot of deep-rooted issues.  The problem is that all she does is “unload” – rehashing the exact same ground over and over and over. This has been her paradigm for years involving the exact same problems.  Frankly, I don’t think she wants to “release and resolve.”  It seems that she just wants to keep reliving the same perceived events, keeping them alive to validate and justify her hurt, anger, and resentment.  What is the “trusted listener” to do when the angry person is stuck in the “release” phase and is not using it to move forward to resolution and healing?  I have tried everything I can think of:  validating comments; asking, “What do you think you should do?”; calling her on it by kindly pointing out that rehashing won’t resolve the problem, etc., etc., etc.  I am asking this not only to help this friend, but for my sanity!  I don’t want to be rude or unkind.

ANSWER

This is an important question and, had more time been available for the Ed Wk presentation, this issue (and a few others) would have been discussed.

In many situations, listening with empathy and acceptance makes it possible for us to help distressed individuals release and reduce hurt and anger. Often, when the see-saw of emotion and reason gets into better balance, with the intensity of emotion reduced and reason able to reassert, the individual naturally moves on to problem-solving, considering ways to move forward. HOWEVER, occasionally someone gets stuck in the negativity of their hurt and angry feelings. Just as you said, some individuals don’t seem interested in addressing problems, considering available alternatives, and moving on ink rational ways.

THEREFORE, we definitely need to have appropriate boundaries as listeners. If we continue to offer sympathy and acceptance to those who are frankly wallowing in their negative feelings, we may inadvertently end up subsidizing the wallowing. And, as you so accurately note, we can go a little nuts.

First, let me clarify that–where we have a stewardship–we have the right and responsibility to kindly and firmly invite someone stuck in negativity to get UNstuck and make a choice to find solutions and move forward, leaving the hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment behind and opening the way for resolution, healing, and growth to occur. We have stewardships as marriage partners, as parents, in our Church callings, and even, occasionally, as friends. Always best, of course, to be prayerful and seek guidance about when and how to issue that invitation.

Where there is no clear stewardship and our efforts to accept feelings as good listeners seem ineffective, we need to draw a boundary. When I taught for a while at BYU, the occasional co-ed asked me what to do about a roommate who constantly complained about a bad boyfriend but then went right on dating him or chose another boyfriend just as bad. My suggestion: next time your roommate starts venting, quickly and politely excuse yourself. “I’m afraid I need to study for a test (call my mom, walk the dog, wash my hair, etc.).”

In otter words, when it’s clear that our sympathetic listening and validation of feelings isn’t working, we need to do something else, not least of all, protect ourselves from getting emotionally drained.  Change the subject or excuse yourself but, in any event, as you have already figured out, it doesn’t really help to enable someone who chooses to remain stuck in negativity.

My daughter, Eden, posted this on her blog recently and I find myself going back to it, once in a while, for sheer enjoyment. It always makes me smile.

More and more, society seems to regard fatherhood as optional. 41% of childbirths in the U.S. occur outside marriage. In 2 of 3 of these births, the father is never legally identified. It is estimated that 36% of children in America live apart from their fathers. More than half of divorced fathers lose contact with their children within a few years. Ten years after divorce, as many as 2/3 of dads have drifted out of their children’s lives. A 1994 study showed men were more likely to default on a child-support payment (49%) than on a used-car payment (3%).

Kids need dads. Studies show that father-child one-on-one involvement, at least 3 times each week is associated with significantly higher levels of empathy and compassion in developing children and the adults they become. A positive relationship with dad may be the best prevention against gender identity confusion in young men. And positive interaction with dad is associated with better success in school, career, and social adjustment, to name just a few areas of impact.

So, watch the video now and then, smile, and–to all you dads–be involved and stay connected. We need you.

Note: Two great books on the impact of fathers are Fatherless America, by David Blankenhorn, and Life Without Father, by David Popenoe. I believe both are out of print but not hard to find online.

My husband and I have serious marriage problems.  We’ve been married for 31 years and basically, I have never felt connected to him emotionally.  We married before I felt that connection, and I naively thought it was something you got after living together.  In my attempts to address this, he has felt inadequate to meet my needs for friendship and love.  In the past he has suggested that I find a girlfriend to meet my friendship needs.  I have also felt our relationship was kind of a boss/employee relationship, never a friend/companion partnership.  He seems to me (and others) to have an arrogant manner.  I have felt intimidated much of the marriage.  After listening to one of your talks, I have finally been able to pinpoint one of my problems, which is an inability to be an agent for myself.  I’ve kept hoping he would someday decide he loved me and would start treating me with more emotional intimacy.  Over the years, because I hadn’t figured out how to still be “nice” while stopping him from being arrogant towards me, I have let resentment build.  It got really bad at one point and I consciously decided to protect myself by keeping an emotional distance.  I didn’t know at the time, but he was then addicted to porn.  After I found out, I was devastated and dared to ask him to go stay at his parents’ house.  He refused.  I spent the next three and a half years avoiding him in the house because I didn’t want to take our teenagers away from their home and neighborhood.  We haven’t shared the same bedroom for four years now.  I recently found out he’s been able to stay away from the addiction for almost a year and that fact has made it possible for me to look at him and talk to him without feeling sick.  We’ve talked seriously about the possibility of divorce.  He finally now says he wants friendship, whether it is with me or with someone else.  He has a girl in mind who is about 15 years younger than me.  Things are looking worse and worse.

The prospect of having our kids come from a broken family is the one thing I can’t reconcile.

I asked him if there was something I could do that would make it possible to mend the marriage.  He says he wants me to treat him like a friend.  He feels like he’s done his best to be kind and doesn’t think he should have to change any more.  He thinks I’m too sensitive.

While I am amazed that he seems to finally want what I have wanted all these years, the thing I need to happen so I can try to “be his friend” and mend the marriage is to be able to trust him.

My question is, how do you treat someone like a friend if you don’t trust them?  Do I start by pretending I trust him?  Do I leave myself open to be hurt and if he says something demeaning, tell him he’s doing something wrong and he needs to treat me better?  If I do that, he’ll get defensive and say I’m too sensitive.  How do I do this?

ANSWER

Your problem is serious and layered.  In this setting, we can’t hope to address all the relevant concerns. However, here are a few things to consider:

1.     It’s possible to be friendly with people we don’t trust—the key is that we have to acquire the skills to keep ourselves safe—emotionally and in every other way. This requires good boundary setting and maintenance. Too often, we get stuck waiting for our partner’s behavior to change or for them to “get religion” and realize how they are hurting us. This puts us in a position where we are being held hostage to someone else’s timetable of progression. That cannot be the will of our Heavenly Father. Part of our journey toward emotional and spiritual maturity is taking responsibility for our own safety, with or without the cooperation of those around us. This can and should be done without turning from victim to victimizer. We must become non-victim agents, as you’ve recognized. It’s actually not that hard to get along with, and even like, people that can’t hurt us, not necessarily because they have stopped being hurtful but because we know how to be safe. There are probably some books about relationship boundaries—I don’t have any titles to recommend but you might check this out. I am currently working on a book about how to deal with hurt and anger. The book after that—already begun—is on healthy relationship boundaries.

2.     You almost certainly could benefit from good counseling. Hopefully there is someone, perhaps a friend or priesthood leader, that could give you a referral. Just fyi, I have a growing number of clients outside of Utah that I visit with over the phone or on video chat.

3.     The pornography was certainly a key contributor to your husband’s emotional distance. Pornography turns people cold. It’s good that he has stayed away from porn for the past year and a half but the fact that you just recently found out doesn’t indicate complete repentance on his part. Real repentance must include apologizing to those we have offended and doing all in our power to fix what we’ve broken. So, of course, you don’t trust him.

4.     I understand not wanting your kids to come from a broken home, nevertheless, consider these words from Elder Dallin H. Oaks: “. . . members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period . . .  have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Divorce,” Ensign, May 2007, emphasis added).

5.     While I, too, believe in marriage preservation—particularly where children are involved—I know it is not always possible. It is not healthy to remain in a marriage where human dignity is being destroyed. The fact that your husband already has his eye on a woman 15 years younger than you are is not encouraging. However, if you learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries, taking responsibility for your own emotional safety, it may be possible for you to be friendly, in spite of not trusting your husband. That might make it possible for the marriage to continue and there are usually significant advantages to the children and to a wife to maintain a marriage. So I really hope you will get help to learn how to set those boundaries and give it a try.

I wish you the best.

I understand the idea of “making it worth their while” in parenting.  However, could you give me some specific examples so I can understand how to apply it?  My youngest (of four) is fourteen–a darling daughter that I cherish.  I have taught her piano for a decade and still can’t seem to “make it worth her while” so she can really progress and come to use and enjoy it.  Also, feed her dog w/o reminding daily; be more outwardly pleasant to people (so she can make new friends as a freshmen going into a charter school with none of her other acquaintances), and so forth.

Also, can I make it “worth my sons while” to prepare earlier for events, like leaving for BYU in August; packing for his mission next year, etc.  To keep my anxiety level lower I need to prepare in advance but I don’t want to stress the relationship by constantly prodding him.  He’s very responsible, but doesn’t do things on my timetable.  I want to have family peace before he leaves for these events.

Another daughter has three young children and she says they are going through a stage of just being mean to each other and calling names, i.e. “give it to me, stupid”.  She says no matter the “time outs”, “the lessons”, etc., they still continue.  I’m just trying to get some examples of “making it worth your while” that you mention in your book, Choosing Glory.

ANSWER

I have often said that the idea of a parent controlling a child is a short-lived myth. We don’t control anyone else, in the long term. But what we can do as parents is to utilize the structure and the resources in our children’s lives in order to “make it worth their while” to harness their own natural man appetites and desires. The way we do this is through a series of “carrots and sticks” or rewards and consequences that make the costs of poor behavior high and the payoffs low, while making the payoff of good behavior high and the costs relatively low.

In my last book, Choosing Glory, is a chapter on “Better Parenting.” In that chapter, I give a few examples of costs and payoffs that parents can use with their children. No particular set of carrots and sticks, however, will work for every child, so prayer, consultation, brainstorming, as well as some trial and error, is often required.

In addressing your specific situations, remember that I have only a cursory understanding of the circumstances and the personalities involved. That said, here are a few thoughts:

1-We need to be cautious about trying to enforce behaviors that God considers optional. While it is can be okay to insist that our children take piano lessons and even to insist that they practice, that insistence should only go so far. We can’t change our children’s hearts and make them enjoy music lessons or anything else. Incentives and consequences might include: no TV, calling friends, computer time, etc. until piano practice is completed; if she practices at least 2 (something reasonable) hours a week, she gets a privilege on Saturday; for every week that she practices at least 2 hrs without complaining, she earns a certain monetary credit toward something she wants. Things like that. Again, while the discipline of piano lessons and the skill itself can be a tremendous blessing in a child’s—and adult’s—life, it is optional in an eternal sense and thus, in my opinion, not worth an ongoing battle. I would have a serious talk with her, when the mood is positive, and explain why you would like her to have the benefits of that developed skill and find out what her real feelings are. Does she hate it? Does she like it but just needs reminders and incentives to practice sufficiently? Does she understand that your efforts to get her to practice are not coming from a desire to make her miserable but a desire to bless her life and give her an accomplishment and developed talent that she may be grateful for her whole life?

CHRIS ADDS: The issue with the piano may be a measurement of the relationship between mother and daughter.  If piano is that important, maybe another teacher would be an option.  If it is only the mother that wants piano for the daughter, maybe it should be put off for a while.  Every so often,  it doesn’t hurt for parents to reevaluate what is important, and for whom is it important.  At times, taking out the need for productivity in a relationship can allow for emotional growth and relational progress.

2-As far as feeding the dog is concerned, the obvious consequence is placing the dog in another home. That’s pretty drastic but if she was the one who wanted the dog and promised to care for the dog, ultimately, that is the natural consequence. Before going to that extent, however, try not letting her have dinner (or breakfast, or after school snacks) before she takes care of the dog. The dog is a living creature that is dependent on his owners for sustenance. It’s not okay for her to take care of her own needs and ignore his.

3-I would assume that your son made it to BYU (apologies—it’s been a busy summer for us, too, and I fell behind on Q&A). Here again, it would be important to consider whether you want his behavior to change for his sake or for yours. You mention that it affects your anxiety level. Sometimes we, as parents, can get a little too closely tied in to our kids’ behaviors, especially when those behaviors are not particularly high priority. Is it that when your son doesn’t do his part, you end up picking up all the pieces? Then what needs to happen is that you don’t pick up the pieces. If he doesn’t get ready, he’s not ready. (I hope you let him pack for BYU on his own and didn’t spend money to send him a bunch of things he forgot or to replace things that he had left at home.) And if you’re concerned that he packs at the last minute, leaving a huge mess in his room for you to deal with, make a plan for that, too. Either put it all in black garbage bags and let him deal with it when he gets home or pay someone to come in and clean it up and make that his next birthday or Christmas present. (That won’t work if you buy lots of other presents and he doesn’t notice the difference.)

CHRIS ADDS: With each developmental stage our children go through, there is an accompanying stage we go through as parents.  Just as children need to individuate in stages from parents, parents need to let go incrementally.  Along with becoming more independent, is the freedom to fail.  Without that potential, there is no growth.  There are consequences for every action and every inaction.  He’ll have to learn from what he does.  Parents can teach by precept and example, pointing out, in kind ways, what is going to happen when certain actions are followed, then the consequences follow.

When it comes to his mission, let him be responsible or let him leave later, when he’s ready to make it happen. At his age, there are things that he needs to take responsibility for or live with the consequences. That should be made clear and then it should be backed up with consistency. He should start to hear now that he will be responsible for getting his papers ready to submit for his mission. He should set up the doctor and dentist appointments, and the appointments with the bishop and stake president. If he chooses to go on a mission, he needs to be ready to take care of himself. You’re not going with him. But then you have to be able to let go. If his inactivity makes you anxious, you’re doing it wrong. And if you are the one who rescues him from his carelessness or laziness, he’s not really growing up. It’s important for us, as parents, to care more about letting our kids grow up meaningfully, than to just create and maintain the illusion that the child is becoming more responsible and mature by constantly rescuing.

4-As for your daughter’s kids, those behaviors really should be stopped. While not practicing piano or procrastinating packing for school are terrestrial type imperfections, calling siblings names, like “stupid,” falls into a telestial realm and parents need to draw that boundary firmly. I agree that time outs are often rather ineffective. I don’t think they’re tied in closely enough to the behavior and I don’t think the cost is great enough. I used to tell my own children that, if they didn’t treat their brothers and sisters with respect, they were not allowed to play with friends. “It’s easy to be nice to friends,” I would say, “but until you are nice to your brothers and sisters, that’s not going to happen.” That was a sufficient cost/payoff structure to motivate them. If one of the kids is being unkind and the other is behaving well, then the offender could be banished to a boring room in the house (with no toys, books, electronics, or other entertainments) while the well-behaved sibling has access to the fun stuff. If both, or all, are offenders, then no TV, no computer, no iPods, etc., until they can be respectful. Another possibility is to give them cleaning jobs to do together until they get along respectfully. (“After you both finish scrubbing that toilet and tub, there are 3 others in the house you can scrub, if you’re still not getting along.”) Once in a while, if two of our kids were not getting along right, my husband would take a scarf and tie their wrists together until they were treating each other correctly. They didn’t like it and they stopped fighting or being rude. I hope that starts generating some ideas. I would consider it very important to stop that behavior.

I wish you well.

QUESTION  Any ideas for assisting our 17 year old son with Asperger’s who is very oppositional?

ANSWER  My husband, Chris, has worked with some clients like your son—late adolescence, Asperger’s, unmotivated, sometimes defiant. This is what he says.

Chris: These are just some quick thoughts, many of which you may have already considered.

First, I think it would be important to have reasonable expectations. If Asperger’s is the issue, he’s limited in what he can do, and you are aware that too much expectation will only serve to make him agitated.

Along with expectations, encourage what he likes, both recreationally and for possible work opportunities.  My guess is he probably functions better in a routine situation where he can get the pattern down without a lot of different things to have to do. The more he’s able to do expected tasks, the more he can progress and do even more things.  Get involved in the things he likes as well, show interest and learn from his interests.
It’s important that when you deal with him, especially when you are in disciplinary mode, that anger not be the driving force, or even a secondary one.  Wait to cool down before trying to discipline.

In addition, build a system that rewards and disciplines based on behavior. If he earns a right to go out or to be with friends, so be it, if he doesn’t do what is expected, he has no reward. Don’t fight, argue, or otherwise engage over negative things.

You are probable aware of it, but there are support groups for parents of Asperger’s children. That can be a helpful resource.

God bless you in your efforts, every challenge we have gives us something to grow from, though usually not what we think we would have chosen.

Let me know how things go.

Lili: Just a few additional thoughts –

1-Do whatever is necessary to make sure that you, and everyone else around, are safe. When you have a 17 year old, defiant son, this needs to be taken into consideration. If he gets violent, you have to have a plan that works to deal with it. Otherwise, you end up dealing with a terrorist. Never productive.

2-As Chris mentioned, a classic approach with Asperger’s is behaviorism—based on costs and payoffs. When you think about it, all human beings are motivated by costs and payoffs. We do the things that give us substantial reward for little cost. We stop doing things when the cost exceeds the rewards/benefits. There are “Tough Love” materials that can help with this. You can google a lot of info on this. They are redoing their website    http://toughlove.com/html/

3-Chris also talked about building the relationship. We have much more influence when there is an abundance of positive influence in our relationship with our kids. This can take some work but it pays off in big dividends.

4-Try to create/structure situations for your son to be successful. This may take a lot of support, patience, working with him, whatever. But it’s absolutely true that “success breeds success.”

Again, those may all be familiar things that you have worked with before.

Best wishes.

Shortly after we had our second baby, I accidentally stumbled across some web searches my husband had done looking for porn sites. I confronted him and at first he tried to lie his way out of it, but when pressed, he finally admitted he had been looking at porn and engaging in masturbation. He promised me at that time that he hadn’t looked at porn for a month, and he didn’t want to continue looking at it. I believed him. Right before our 3rd child was born, I again stumbled across some web searches for porn sites. Again I confronted my husband and found that he had not stopped looking at porn, but instead had just gotten better at covering his tracks. He told me this time that since he no longer believes in God, he does not see viewing pornographic material as bad or immoral. I told him that it’s was very hurtful to me—I feel like he has committed an act of infidelity, not to mention the fact that he lied to me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, and so he would really try hard to stop looking at porn. Again, I believed him. It’s been a year and a half since our 3rd child was born. I just again found proof that he is still looking at porn—obviously he has an addiction problem.

I’m just wondering, what can I expect of my husband in this situation? If he doesn’t feel that it’s morally wrong, are we at an impasse? I feel cheated, hurt, angry—especially because I think his internet viewing has crossed the threshold into adult chat rooms. Despite this weakness of his, I’m still head over heels in love with my husband. We have a pretty good marriage. He is a fantastic father to our 3 children who all adore him. Can I expect my husband to uphold the same moral code that he had when we got married, even though his views on God have changed? Am I wrong to feel like his viewing pornography is a form of infidelity? I want nothing more than for him to return to the gospel. How can I help him get on that path when he seems wholly uninterested and perhaps even opposed to that idea? This whole ordeal has been a huge faith-shaker to me, and although I’m struggling, I’m hoping to come out on the other side with a more sure knowledge of the gospel. I have not spoken to anyone about my husband’s problem with porn (our families know a little about his struggle with his faith). I do not want to sweep this problem under the rug anymore. I guess I just want some affirmation that I’m not over-reacting and that his actions are indeed detrimental to our marriage, even if he feels otherwise.

ANSWER

Although I will elaborate below, I think it comes down to this:

1-Whether or not your husband believes in God, pornography is destructive to him and to everyone who loves him.
2-You can expect your husband to be honest. You can expect to be faithful (i.e. NOT participate in adult chat rooms). You can also expect him to acknowledge the damage that pornography is doing to you and your family, even if he denies that if is also damaging him.
3-You can’t change him but you can create and maintain healthy boundaries. You are the one who determines what those boundaries are.

The debate is raging, but although there are people who call pornography a “victimless crime,” the fact is that there are no victimless crimes. I don’t expect that your husband will be open to it, but you could find both religious and non-religious material online that discusses the harm done by pornography.

I have spoken to dozens of women whose husbands are addicted to pornography. Again and again, I have heard them say—and their husbands have backed this up—that they know when their husbands are involved. And though I certainly don’t discount the spiritual promptings that may be occurring, the wives report that they know because their husbands act differently. Sometimes it’s hard for the wives to describe what’s different but, over the years, what I hear from them can be summarized this way—their husbands go cold. Exposure to degrading materials feeds lust and extinguishes natural warmth and affection. After all, the commandments are not arbitrary hoops for us to jump through; they are given to help us—if we are obedient—to avoid the worst dangers of life. Whether or not your husband believes in God, he is exposing himself, and his family, to the huge costs of involvement with this plague.

Of course, it’s not unlikely that at least part of your husband’s loss of faith is a direct result of his inability to turn away from pornography. Sadly, no matter how much you want him to regain his faith, he has to want it, too. Review D&C Section 121:41-43:

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

A few other comments:

You may feel that you are “head over heels” in love with your husband but there’s a disconnect in there somewhere. He lies, he disregards your feelings, he’s turned away from the faith you shared, he’s broken his covenants, and he’s involved in sex-talk with other women online. I’m sure he’s got good parts, but he is bringing the telestial realm into your marriage and family. I understand continuing to care about the people close to us but, at some point, sin destroys married love.

Only you can decide how and when to draw the boundaries you want to draw. And then you have to think ahead to what you are willing to do to back up those boundaries. Fasting and prayer are called for in such tough considerations. You may benefit from consulting with priesthood leaders and a professional counselor (choose a good one). Personally, I would draw the first line at the adult chat rooms. I think I would also install a guardian program (they can be downloaded from the internet) on all family computers. You have 3 kids in the home. They are vulnerable and should be protected. He has rights over his laptop but you could ask him to use it outside the home or alone in a room away from the family (which is probably what he’s doing anyway—but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it).

You are NOT overreacting and his actions ARE harmful to your marriage and your family. Viewing porn is definitely a form of infidelity.

Finally, Heavenly Father knows what you are dealing with and wants you to be safe and happy. He does NOT want you to be stuck in a situation in which you and your children are being victimized. Life can be so painful sometimes but there is infinite power in the Atonement of Jesus Christ—power to help you find safety and peace, power to heal your wounds.

God bless you.