My husband and I have serious marriage problems.  We’ve been married for 31 years and basically, I have never felt connected to him emotionally.  We married before I felt that connection, and I naively thought it was something you got after living together.  In my attempts to address this, he has felt inadequate to meet my needs for friendship and love.  In the past he has suggested that I find a girlfriend to meet my friendship needs.  I have also felt our relationship was kind of a boss/employee relationship, never a friend/companion partnership.  He seems to me (and others) to have an arrogant manner.  I have felt intimidated much of the marriage.  After listening to one of your talks, I have finally been able to pinpoint one of my problems, which is an inability to be an agent for myself.  I’ve kept hoping he would someday decide he loved me and would start treating me with more emotional intimacy.  Over the years, because I hadn’t figured out how to still be “nice” while stopping him from being arrogant towards me, I have let resentment build.  It got really bad at one point and I consciously decided to protect myself by keeping an emotional distance.  I didn’t know at the time, but he was then addicted to porn.  After I found out, I was devastated and dared to ask him to go stay at his parents’ house.  He refused.  I spent the next three and a half years avoiding him in the house because I didn’t want to take our teenagers away from their home and neighborhood.  We haven’t shared the same bedroom for four years now.  I recently found out he’s been able to stay away from the addiction for almost a year and that fact has made it possible for me to look at him and talk to him without feeling sick.  We’ve talked seriously about the possibility of divorce.  He finally now says he wants friendship, whether it is with me or with someone else.  He has a girl in mind who is about 15 years younger than me.  Things are looking worse and worse.

The prospect of having our kids come from a broken family is the one thing I can’t reconcile.

I asked him if there was something I could do that would make it possible to mend the marriage.  He says he wants me to treat him like a friend.  He feels like he’s done his best to be kind and doesn’t think he should have to change any more.  He thinks I’m too sensitive.

While I am amazed that he seems to finally want what I have wanted all these years, the thing I need to happen so I can try to “be his friend” and mend the marriage is to be able to trust him.

My question is, how do you treat someone like a friend if you don’t trust them?  Do I start by pretending I trust him?  Do I leave myself open to be hurt and if he says something demeaning, tell him he’s doing something wrong and he needs to treat me better?  If I do that, he’ll get defensive and say I’m too sensitive.  How do I do this?

ANSWER

Your problem is serious and layered.  In this setting, we can’t hope to address all the relevant concerns. However, here are a few things to consider:

1.     It’s possible to be friendly with people we don’t trust—the key is that we have to acquire the skills to keep ourselves safe—emotionally and in every other way. This requires good boundary setting and maintenance. Too often, we get stuck waiting for our partner’s behavior to change or for them to “get religion” and realize how they are hurting us. This puts us in a position where we are being held hostage to someone else’s timetable of progression. That cannot be the will of our Heavenly Father. Part of our journey toward emotional and spiritual maturity is taking responsibility for our own safety, with or without the cooperation of those around us. This can and should be done without turning from victim to victimizer. We must become non-victim agents, as you’ve recognized. It’s actually not that hard to get along with, and even like, people that can’t hurt us, not necessarily because they have stopped being hurtful but because we know how to be safe. There are probably some books about relationship boundaries—I don’t have any titles to recommend but you might check this out. I am currently working on a book about how to deal with hurt and anger. The book after that—already begun—is on healthy relationship boundaries.

2.     You almost certainly could benefit from good counseling. Hopefully there is someone, perhaps a friend or priesthood leader, that could give you a referral. Just fyi, I have a growing number of clients outside of Utah that I visit with over the phone or on video chat.

3.     The pornography was certainly a key contributor to your husband’s emotional distance. Pornography turns people cold. It’s good that he has stayed away from porn for the past year and a half but the fact that you just recently found out doesn’t indicate complete repentance on his part. Real repentance must include apologizing to those we have offended and doing all in our power to fix what we’ve broken. So, of course, you don’t trust him.

4.     I understand not wanting your kids to come from a broken home, nevertheless, consider these words from Elder Dallin H. Oaks: “. . . members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period . . .  have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Divorce,” Ensign, May 2007, emphasis added).

5.     While I, too, believe in marriage preservation—particularly where children are involved—I know it is not always possible. It is not healthy to remain in a marriage where human dignity is being destroyed. The fact that your husband already has his eye on a woman 15 years younger than you are is not encouraging. However, if you learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries, taking responsibility for your own emotional safety, it may be possible for you to be friendly, in spite of not trusting your husband. That might make it possible for the marriage to continue and there are usually significant advantages to the children and to a wife to maintain a marriage. So I really hope you will get help to learn how to set those boundaries and give it a try.

I wish you the best.

I understand the idea of “making it worth their while” in parenting.  However, could you give me some specific examples so I can understand how to apply it?  My youngest (of four) is fourteen–a darling daughter that I cherish.  I have taught her piano for a decade and still can’t seem to “make it worth her while” so she can really progress and come to use and enjoy it.  Also, feed her dog w/o reminding daily; be more outwardly pleasant to people (so she can make new friends as a freshmen going into a charter school with none of her other acquaintances), and so forth.

Also, can I make it “worth my sons while” to prepare earlier for events, like leaving for BYU in August; packing for his mission next year, etc.  To keep my anxiety level lower I need to prepare in advance but I don’t want to stress the relationship by constantly prodding him.  He’s very responsible, but doesn’t do things on my timetable.  I want to have family peace before he leaves for these events.

Another daughter has three young children and she says they are going through a stage of just being mean to each other and calling names, i.e. “give it to me, stupid”.  She says no matter the “time outs”, “the lessons”, etc., they still continue.  I’m just trying to get some examples of “making it worth your while” that you mention in your book, Choosing Glory.

ANSWER

I have often said that the idea of a parent controlling a child is a short-lived myth. We don’t control anyone else, in the long term. But what we can do as parents is to utilize the structure and the resources in our children’s lives in order to “make it worth their while” to harness their own natural man appetites and desires. The way we do this is through a series of “carrots and sticks” or rewards and consequences that make the costs of poor behavior high and the payoffs low, while making the payoff of good behavior high and the costs relatively low.

In my last book, Choosing Glory, is a chapter on “Better Parenting.” In that chapter, I give a few examples of costs and payoffs that parents can use with their children. No particular set of carrots and sticks, however, will work for every child, so prayer, consultation, brainstorming, as well as some trial and error, is often required.

In addressing your specific situations, remember that I have only a cursory understanding of the circumstances and the personalities involved. That said, here are a few thoughts:

1-We need to be cautious about trying to enforce behaviors that God considers optional. While it is can be okay to insist that our children take piano lessons and even to insist that they practice, that insistence should only go so far. We can’t change our children’s hearts and make them enjoy music lessons or anything else. Incentives and consequences might include: no TV, calling friends, computer time, etc. until piano practice is completed; if she practices at least 2 (something reasonable) hours a week, she gets a privilege on Saturday; for every week that she practices at least 2 hrs without complaining, she earns a certain monetary credit toward something she wants. Things like that. Again, while the discipline of piano lessons and the skill itself can be a tremendous blessing in a child’s—and adult’s—life, it is optional in an eternal sense and thus, in my opinion, not worth an ongoing battle. I would have a serious talk with her, when the mood is positive, and explain why you would like her to have the benefits of that developed skill and find out what her real feelings are. Does she hate it? Does she like it but just needs reminders and incentives to practice sufficiently? Does she understand that your efforts to get her to practice are not coming from a desire to make her miserable but a desire to bless her life and give her an accomplishment and developed talent that she may be grateful for her whole life?

CHRIS ADDS: The issue with the piano may be a measurement of the relationship between mother and daughter.  If piano is that important, maybe another teacher would be an option.  If it is only the mother that wants piano for the daughter, maybe it should be put off for a while.  Every so often,  it doesn’t hurt for parents to reevaluate what is important, and for whom is it important.  At times, taking out the need for productivity in a relationship can allow for emotional growth and relational progress.

2-As far as feeding the dog is concerned, the obvious consequence is placing the dog in another home. That’s pretty drastic but if she was the one who wanted the dog and promised to care for the dog, ultimately, that is the natural consequence. Before going to that extent, however, try not letting her have dinner (or breakfast, or after school snacks) before she takes care of the dog. The dog is a living creature that is dependent on his owners for sustenance. It’s not okay for her to take care of her own needs and ignore his.

3-I would assume that your son made it to BYU (apologies—it’s been a busy summer for us, too, and I fell behind on Q&A). Here again, it would be important to consider whether you want his behavior to change for his sake or for yours. You mention that it affects your anxiety level. Sometimes we, as parents, can get a little too closely tied in to our kids’ behaviors, especially when those behaviors are not particularly high priority. Is it that when your son doesn’t do his part, you end up picking up all the pieces? Then what needs to happen is that you don’t pick up the pieces. If he doesn’t get ready, he’s not ready. (I hope you let him pack for BYU on his own and didn’t spend money to send him a bunch of things he forgot or to replace things that he had left at home.) And if you’re concerned that he packs at the last minute, leaving a huge mess in his room for you to deal with, make a plan for that, too. Either put it all in black garbage bags and let him deal with it when he gets home or pay someone to come in and clean it up and make that his next birthday or Christmas present. (That won’t work if you buy lots of other presents and he doesn’t notice the difference.)

CHRIS ADDS: With each developmental stage our children go through, there is an accompanying stage we go through as parents.  Just as children need to individuate in stages from parents, parents need to let go incrementally.  Along with becoming more independent, is the freedom to fail.  Without that potential, there is no growth.  There are consequences for every action and every inaction.  He’ll have to learn from what he does.  Parents can teach by precept and example, pointing out, in kind ways, what is going to happen when certain actions are followed, then the consequences follow.

When it comes to his mission, let him be responsible or let him leave later, when he’s ready to make it happen. At his age, there are things that he needs to take responsibility for or live with the consequences. That should be made clear and then it should be backed up with consistency. He should start to hear now that he will be responsible for getting his papers ready to submit for his mission. He should set up the doctor and dentist appointments, and the appointments with the bishop and stake president. If he chooses to go on a mission, he needs to be ready to take care of himself. You’re not going with him. But then you have to be able to let go. If his inactivity makes you anxious, you’re doing it wrong. And if you are the one who rescues him from his carelessness or laziness, he’s not really growing up. It’s important for us, as parents, to care more about letting our kids grow up meaningfully, than to just create and maintain the illusion that the child is becoming more responsible and mature by constantly rescuing.

4-As for your daughter’s kids, those behaviors really should be stopped. While not practicing piano or procrastinating packing for school are terrestrial type imperfections, calling siblings names, like “stupid,” falls into a telestial realm and parents need to draw that boundary firmly. I agree that time outs are often rather ineffective. I don’t think they’re tied in closely enough to the behavior and I don’t think the cost is great enough. I used to tell my own children that, if they didn’t treat their brothers and sisters with respect, they were not allowed to play with friends. “It’s easy to be nice to friends,” I would say, “but until you are nice to your brothers and sisters, that’s not going to happen.” That was a sufficient cost/payoff structure to motivate them. If one of the kids is being unkind and the other is behaving well, then the offender could be banished to a boring room in the house (with no toys, books, electronics, or other entertainments) while the well-behaved sibling has access to the fun stuff. If both, or all, are offenders, then no TV, no computer, no iPods, etc., until they can be respectful. Another possibility is to give them cleaning jobs to do together until they get along respectfully. (“After you both finish scrubbing that toilet and tub, there are 3 others in the house you can scrub, if you’re still not getting along.”) Once in a while, if two of our kids were not getting along right, my husband would take a scarf and tie their wrists together until they were treating each other correctly. They didn’t like it and they stopped fighting or being rude. I hope that starts generating some ideas. I would consider it very important to stop that behavior.

I wish you well.

QUESTION  Any ideas for assisting our 17 year old son with Asperger’s who is very oppositional?

ANSWER  My husband, Chris, has worked with some clients like your son—late adolescence, Asperger’s, unmotivated, sometimes defiant. This is what he says.

Chris: These are just some quick thoughts, many of which you may have already considered.

First, I think it would be important to have reasonable expectations. If Asperger’s is the issue, he’s limited in what he can do, and you are aware that too much expectation will only serve to make him agitated.

Along with expectations, encourage what he likes, both recreationally and for possible work opportunities.  My guess is he probably functions better in a routine situation where he can get the pattern down without a lot of different things to have to do. The more he’s able to do expected tasks, the more he can progress and do even more things.  Get involved in the things he likes as well, show interest and learn from his interests.
It’s important that when you deal with him, especially when you are in disciplinary mode, that anger not be the driving force, or even a secondary one.  Wait to cool down before trying to discipline.

In addition, build a system that rewards and disciplines based on behavior. If he earns a right to go out or to be with friends, so be it, if he doesn’t do what is expected, he has no reward. Don’t fight, argue, or otherwise engage over negative things.

You are probable aware of it, but there are support groups for parents of Asperger’s children. That can be a helpful resource.

God bless you in your efforts, every challenge we have gives us something to grow from, though usually not what we think we would have chosen.

Let me know how things go.

Lili: Just a few additional thoughts –

1-Do whatever is necessary to make sure that you, and everyone else around, are safe. When you have a 17 year old, defiant son, this needs to be taken into consideration. If he gets violent, you have to have a plan that works to deal with it. Otherwise, you end up dealing with a terrorist. Never productive.

2-As Chris mentioned, a classic approach with Asperger’s is behaviorism—based on costs and payoffs. When you think about it, all human beings are motivated by costs and payoffs. We do the things that give us substantial reward for little cost. We stop doing things when the cost exceeds the rewards/benefits. There are “Tough Love” materials that can help with this. You can google a lot of info on this. They are redoing their website    http://toughlove.com/html/

3-Chris also talked about building the relationship. We have much more influence when there is an abundance of positive influence in our relationship with our kids. This can take some work but it pays off in big dividends.

4-Try to create/structure situations for your son to be successful. This may take a lot of support, patience, working with him, whatever. But it’s absolutely true that “success breeds success.”

Again, those may all be familiar things that you have worked with before.

Best wishes.

Shortly after we had our second baby, I accidentally stumbled across some web searches my husband had done looking for porn sites. I confronted him and at first he tried to lie his way out of it, but when pressed, he finally admitted he had been looking at porn and engaging in masturbation. He promised me at that time that he hadn’t looked at porn for a month, and he didn’t want to continue looking at it. I believed him. Right before our 3rd child was born, I again stumbled across some web searches for porn sites. Again I confronted my husband and found that he had not stopped looking at porn, but instead had just gotten better at covering his tracks. He told me this time that since he no longer believes in God, he does not see viewing pornographic material as bad or immoral. I told him that it’s was very hurtful to me—I feel like he has committed an act of infidelity, not to mention the fact that he lied to me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, and so he would really try hard to stop looking at porn. Again, I believed him. It’s been a year and a half since our 3rd child was born. I just again found proof that he is still looking at porn—obviously he has an addiction problem.

I’m just wondering, what can I expect of my husband in this situation? If he doesn’t feel that it’s morally wrong, are we at an impasse? I feel cheated, hurt, angry—especially because I think his internet viewing has crossed the threshold into adult chat rooms. Despite this weakness of his, I’m still head over heels in love with my husband. We have a pretty good marriage. He is a fantastic father to our 3 children who all adore him. Can I expect my husband to uphold the same moral code that he had when we got married, even though his views on God have changed? Am I wrong to feel like his viewing pornography is a form of infidelity? I want nothing more than for him to return to the gospel. How can I help him get on that path when he seems wholly uninterested and perhaps even opposed to that idea? This whole ordeal has been a huge faith-shaker to me, and although I’m struggling, I’m hoping to come out on the other side with a more sure knowledge of the gospel. I have not spoken to anyone about my husband’s problem with porn (our families know a little about his struggle with his faith). I do not want to sweep this problem under the rug anymore. I guess I just want some affirmation that I’m not over-reacting and that his actions are indeed detrimental to our marriage, even if he feels otherwise.

ANSWER

Although I will elaborate below, I think it comes down to this:

1-Whether or not your husband believes in God, pornography is destructive to him and to everyone who loves him.
2-You can expect your husband to be honest. You can expect to be faithful (i.e. NOT participate in adult chat rooms). You can also expect him to acknowledge the damage that pornography is doing to you and your family, even if he denies that if is also damaging him.
3-You can’t change him but you can create and maintain healthy boundaries. You are the one who determines what those boundaries are.

The debate is raging, but although there are people who call pornography a “victimless crime,” the fact is that there are no victimless crimes. I don’t expect that your husband will be open to it, but you could find both religious and non-religious material online that discusses the harm done by pornography.

I have spoken to dozens of women whose husbands are addicted to pornography. Again and again, I have heard them say—and their husbands have backed this up—that they know when their husbands are involved. And though I certainly don’t discount the spiritual promptings that may be occurring, the wives report that they know because their husbands act differently. Sometimes it’s hard for the wives to describe what’s different but, over the years, what I hear from them can be summarized this way—their husbands go cold. Exposure to degrading materials feeds lust and extinguishes natural warmth and affection. After all, the commandments are not arbitrary hoops for us to jump through; they are given to help us—if we are obedient—to avoid the worst dangers of life. Whether or not your husband believes in God, he is exposing himself, and his family, to the huge costs of involvement with this plague.

Of course, it’s not unlikely that at least part of your husband’s loss of faith is a direct result of his inability to turn away from pornography. Sadly, no matter how much you want him to regain his faith, he has to want it, too. Review D&C Section 121:41-43:

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

A few other comments:

You may feel that you are “head over heels” in love with your husband but there’s a disconnect in there somewhere. He lies, he disregards your feelings, he’s turned away from the faith you shared, he’s broken his covenants, and he’s involved in sex-talk with other women online. I’m sure he’s got good parts, but he is bringing the telestial realm into your marriage and family. I understand continuing to care about the people close to us but, at some point, sin destroys married love.

Only you can decide how and when to draw the boundaries you want to draw. And then you have to think ahead to what you are willing to do to back up those boundaries. Fasting and prayer are called for in such tough considerations. You may benefit from consulting with priesthood leaders and a professional counselor (choose a good one). Personally, I would draw the first line at the adult chat rooms. I think I would also install a guardian program (they can be downloaded from the internet) on all family computers. You have 3 kids in the home. They are vulnerable and should be protected. He has rights over his laptop but you could ask him to use it outside the home or alone in a room away from the family (which is probably what he’s doing anyway—but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it).

You are NOT overreacting and his actions ARE harmful to your marriage and your family. Viewing porn is definitely a form of infidelity.

Finally, Heavenly Father knows what you are dealing with and wants you to be safe and happy. He does NOT want you to be stuck in a situation in which you and your children are being victimized. Life can be so painful sometimes but there is infinite power in the Atonement of Jesus Christ—power to help you find safety and peace, power to heal your wounds.

God bless you.

There are two scriptures that have long troubled me that I would appreciate your perspective on. The scriptures are:  Alma 34:34 and Mormon 9:14.

Alma 34:34: Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world.

Moroni 9:14: And then cometh the judgment of the Holy One upon them; and then cometh the time that he that is filthy shall be filthy still; and he that is righteous shall be righteous still; he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life.  I keep them at bay because I am intelligent and rational.  I consistently do all those things that I know will promote good mental and spiritual health.  I have many friends, a wonderful husband and 5 great children.  I would have to say though, that I never completely break out of that depression and anxiety box; I stay at the top when I’m on top of things, but cruise in the middle too often.  I have found that the older I get (I’m now in my mid-fifties) the harder it is to stay on top. My struggle is not situational; I have the usual life challenges but not more or less than the average LDS woman.  I see trends of similar weaknesses in both of my brothers.  Our father (deceased) was an alcoholic who probably self-medicated.

I often wonder how we are to tell the difference between weaknesses that we should view as “thorns in the side” or biological inheritances that we are meant mostly to manage in this life, and weaknesses that, through Christ and the Atonement, we are capable of conquering in this life.  I have contemplated, analyzed fasted and prayed over this weakness for over 40 years, and it still lingers, especially the anxiety.

I understand that Alma 34:34 is talking about sin, but knowing that our same spirit will rise with us, and that unhappiness will follow us is a haunting prospect for someone with depression and anxiety.

What are your thoughts about how issues like depression, anxiety and other mental health concerns are resolved as we crossover from this life to the next?

ANSWER

I am so sorry to hear of your concerns. In my opinion, you don’t have to worry at all about depression continuing into the hereafter.

Let’s consider another scriptural promise about the hereafter.

Revelation 20:4 (emphasis added): And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

So the question becomes, about whom is God talking in each of the scriptures cited?

Looking at the scriptures as a body of work that teaches about the Plan of Salvation, I think it’s safe to say the following—and you did ask for my perspective :

1. In Alma 34, God is speaking of repentance. Thus, those who have a repentant spirit will repent here in their probationary estate and be in pretty good shape to complete the process during the millennium. Those who do not have a repentant spirit may think they can procrastinate the day of their repentance (see verses 33 and 35, just before and after this one) but will find they have the same unrepentant spirit in the spirit world as they do here. It will be “everlastingly too late” (Helaman 13:38) for them.
2. The verse in Moroni 9 also needs to be taken in context. God is talking about judgment and making two basic divisions, labeling them in different ways, but it’s not 4 groups he’s talking about, it’s 2. God often divides people in two broad categories: righteous and unrighteous, clean and unclean, sheep and goats, wheat and tares, happy and unhappy. I personally believe that he’s talking about the kind of happiness that comes with joining the ranks of the Savior (as in “We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er, happy are we. . . .”, Hymns #250).
3. While righteous living certainly does not always correspond in this life with happiness (e.g. see the lives of the prophets ancient and modern), those who qualify for being righteous, clean, sheep, and wheat will also be in the group that is happy—filled with joy—forever (see Rev 20:4 above). If doing all that we can to live the gospel in this life still could leave us feeling depressed or anxious forever, personally, I don’t think I would have signed up for that plan. But I don’t believe that’s even an option. I think, if we choose Christ, happiness and a fullness of joy are our eternal promise.

If I understand correctly, you are also asking if depression and anxiety are weaknesses that we need to conquer through Christ’s atonement in this life or the “thorn in the flesh” weaknesses that we just need to manage and endure. In my opinion, we don’t need to distinguish between those things because I think the only difference is in timing and that is not ours to know. What I mean is that, as the Lord teaches us in Ether 12:27, “I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” I think all weaknesses create a challenge that is like a “thorn in the flesh” that needs to be managed until through Christ, those weaknesses are healed and made strong. Sometimes that happens in mortality and some will be finished up during the Millennium. I think we may underestimate how many mortal challenges will be resolved in that thousand-year period. The Millennium is still part of the Second Estate, a probationary period, and I agree with a friend of mine who once told me that she thought one reason the Millennium was going to be 1000 years long was that it would take that much family therapy for anyone to be fit for the kingdom. (My husband, Chris, and I used to think that we might need to change professions and become teachers or farmers in the Millennium, but looks like job security right up till Final Judgment.) Joking aside, I really do believe that the Millennium will be a healing time, a completion time, a generous part of the Plan that allows for God’s promise to be fulfilled “that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life” (Alma 29:4) including the desire to be happy and at peace.

Let me also mention that while, at this time of your life, you may not feel your life is any more stressful than “average,” it may be that there are some unresolved hurts or challenges from earlier in life that have never been fully addressed. And anxiety is pretty much always associated with the need to be in control and generally grows out of difficult times when we felt/feel out of control. I recognize that some individuals seem to be more genetically predisposed to depression and anxiety than others but more often than not, there are ways to minimize depression and anxiety with good quality counseling support.

In any event, I truly believe that for all of us who desire to please God and manifest that desire day-to-day in sincere efforts to be acceptable to Him, though we fall far short of perfection, complete happiness, and peace in this life, we will be happy, full of joy, and full of peace in the world to come.

Best wishes.

NOTE: I am working on a book about dealing with hurts and anger that discusses depression and healing. I’m not sure when it will be finished (my schedule is a little nuts) but I hope for a release sometime in 2011.

My husband and I have two little boys and a baby on the way. I am especially concerned about my son who just turned four.  He is physically healthy and strong for his age and looks like he is two years older than he really is.  He is a loving brother and smart boy, however, at times he is defiant and sometimes gets out-of-control with aggression if I follow through with him in any physical way.  He has always been a demanding child compared with his brother and other children I see.  It seems like the first four months of his life he was either crying or sleeping.  Of course, I was a first time parent and trying to figure things out myself.  I have wanted to talk with a doctor who specializes in these things, but my husband doesn’t want him getting a label (ADHD—Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ODD—Oppositional Defiant Disorder, etc.) that he would have to live with and he feels like I just need to be a better parent.  I am trying to be more consistent with him and “make it worth his while” but I feel like I need to do more. There are so many different ideas about parenting that someone will always say whatever I am doing is wrong.

ANSWER

Lili: Some kids are definitely more challenging than others from birth. There seem to be some kids who are more naturally defiant and less responsive to normal parenting practice. Of course, I don’t know exactly where your son is on the spectrum. He sounds fairly challenging. However, I do understand your husband’s concern about acquiring a negative label for your son.

So–a few thoughts:

1-Parenting with Love and Logic is a solid parenting approach. There is a book and there may be classes available as well. Some kids “give us the opportunity” to really take our parenting efforts to the next level.

2-While I understand your husband’s concerns about labeling, if he wants to address your son’s behavior in the home then he needs to play an active role in addressing a difficult parenting situation. Fathers should be involved in discipline anyway and a challenging child definitely needs the combined efforts of both mom and dad. He needs to be very involved, including backing you up in your efforts, handling discipline himself whenever possible, following up on emphasizing and supporting your efforts to teach and correct, and one-on-one time for the two of them, to give you both a break.

3- Especially with a difficult child, it’s easy to get too negative. Say yes whenever you can. Even when correcting behavior, try to state it positively instead of negatively.

4-Build the relationship. Try to generate positive interaction with your son. Do fun things together. Further, we’ve got to make deposits before we can make withdrawals. If the relationship is too strained or conflicted, everything becomes a battle. And long after we realize we’ll never control our kids (control shouldn’t be the goal, anyway), if we have a positive relationship, we’ll have influence.

5-When you do need to say no, try not to let anger take over but hold the line.

6-Of course, pray individually and as a couple for ideas, direction, and patience in dealing with your son. God knows what your son needs and what you need as parents in order for all of you to successfully progress.

Chris adds: Never underestimate the value of stubbornness on the part of the parent.  A strong-willed child sometimes gains power by just waiting a little longer than the parents, to get what they want.  Going into a disciplinary situation with a child takes a lot of patience and commitment and a willingness to see it through. The goal at that time should be to focus on the child’s behavior and provide corrective measures for the sake of the child.  I agree that anger is not helpful. When the child senses parental anger, they usually see their negative behavior as getting a payoff. Taking time to regain our control and focus on the target behavior can make the difference. Patience with him and with yourself is key.

Good luck to all of you from both of us.

I struggle with eating disorders. My brother-in-law does not believe that mental disorders and problems are any different from physical problems. We had quite a discussion over Christmas and things have been very uncomfortable between us ever since.
His daughter has a learning disability and his wife (my sister) is deaf in one ear. He told me that they know these things about themselves and filter their everyday experiences through this knowledge and compensate accordingly (my sister turns her head to the right when someone is speaking to her, his daughter sits up front in school and uses a tutor). He tells me that I need to do the same thing and there really is no such thing as a “mental disorder.” His idea is that when I go to eat I should know that I have a problem and compensate by taking 2-3 times what I think would be an appropriate serving and eat that. I tried to explain to him that my mind won’t let me eat that much and if I did I would freak out! He yelled at me and said I was making it all up to get attention.

How do I solve this? He has since sent me an e-mail saying whenever I attend family functions I end up making everyone upset, so I have kept my distance. Now he is mad at me because my LACK of participation hurts everyone’s feelings. I am SOOOOO confused on every level of this situation and don’t quite know what to do. Any advice???

ANSWER

Chris:

Mental problems are different from physical problems in some ways. They are often more difficult to diagnose and to treat and they are much easier to deny. In other ways, however, physical problems are similar to mental problems. They both impair functioning and it’s true that the individual with the problem can learn to compensate for those challenges.

Your brother-in-law seems to have expressed his opinion in an adversarial manner, which is never helpful. What I really don’t understand, though, is how he is supposedly able to speak for the whole family (saying you are making everyone uncomfortable) OR why you feel a need to listen to him.  My guess is that there are other family members that you can talk to and get their feelings regarding the situation.

All of this however begs the question.  If you have an eating disorder, what your family thinks of things is the least of your worries.  Getting some help and progressing, even if it is small steps to begin with, is more important than what family or friends think.  It would be helpful to not get distracted by others’ input and instead focus on what needs to be done by you, for yourself.
Good luck.

Lili:

I agree that your brother-in-law’s approach was, to say the least, ineffective. Yelling at you, telling you that you’re making everyone uncomfortable, and then telling you off for staying away from family events—not helpful.

However, a few things to consider:

1. Why are you giving your brother-in-law the power to separate you from the rest of your family? For you to stay away from family functions probably is hurtful to your parents and at least some of your other family members.
2. Everyone has weaknesses, challenges, and/or hang-ups of one kind or another. We can sometimes fall into the trap of letting that “label” define and limit us. Many years ago, before I ever went back to graduate school and started counseling, I knew a reading specialist who was asked if he was able to help dyslexics. His answer: “Sure. Dyslexics need to read, too.” That answer impressed me greatly. I see the importance of resisting the tendency to consider that being bipolar, or depressed, or anorexic means we can’t learn to manage those challenges and improve our functioning. That’s not to dismiss the very real difficulties involved, but “Sure. Anorexics need to—and can learn to—handle family get-togethers, too.”
3. There are ways to address our challenges. Eating disorders do not just go away on their own and we can’t ignore them or force them out of our lives. It sounds like your brother-in-law may be vastly over-simplifying the situation. You can’t just sit at the front of the class or turn your right ear to people and fit right in. However, there are clinics, there are counselors, or—if cost is an issue—there are books that can help us. Another no-cost option that I would highly recommend is finding and attending an Addiction Recovery Program group. ARP groups are sponsored by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) and are available all over Utah and in more and more areas outside Utah. You can find groups on the lds.org website. Check out this LINK for information about the ARP program and how to get involved. The twelve steps approach can successfully be applied to eating disorders.

Best wishes.

A therapist friend recently said not to give teens consequences for misbehaviors, but to process with them their fears that lead to misbehavior. He said this is the recent philosophy.

An example:
Our son, “Josh,” called from a friend’s house on New Year’s Eve and asked to sleep over, saying the parents had gone to bed, but were there. We agreed to the sleep over. The next day I called him to pick him up, no answer. I called the parents; they were out of town. My husband and I first discussed with Josh our disappointment that he would lie (I cried a bit) and his responsibility to Heavenly Father as a priesthood holder. Josh was defiant, stating he didn’t get why I would cry. We didn’t yell, but consequences were stiff: no phone, no sleepovers, no friends for a period of time.

During this time Josh and I had discussions about why he lied. He knew I would never let him have a sleepover without supervision. I helped him bring out his feelings about his desire to be accepted. This particular friend is quite popular. Josh said that while he was lying the Spirit touched him and he felt guilty but he chose to lie. He told me how bad he felt and we discussed the power of repentance.

My question- my husband has heard you speak and he remembers your saying something like there is only one way of really effective parenting: the Lord’s way. He interpreted that to be that God gives rules and consequences. He remembered your saying that many fads of disciplining children come and go, but stick to God’s plan.

We had a small disagreement after I discussed my friend’s viewpoint. What do you think?

ANSWER

Although I do believe there really is basically one way to parent well and that is the Lord’s way (as I believe there is basically one way to have a good marriage and one way to live), that’s not to say that there isn’t a range within that one way and some need for flexibility.

That said, I don’t understand people who say there shouldn’t be consequences for misbehavior. In the eternal scheme of things, there are always consequences. The laws of physics say the same thing (for every action there is a equal and opposite reaction). And I think failing to impose consequences for lying sends a scary message. Of course, there is a big difference between imposing consequences and getting super-angry and punishing. The relationship is important and I completely agree with the approach of discussing what went on, what the kid was thinking, showing love, understanding, etc., etc., etc. But that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t still be a consequence. It just shouldn’t be done in the heat of anger or to vent our frustrations. It should be a natural consequence, where possible (and it’s often not possible), otherwise, a logical consequence. If a child lies to us, I think it’s logical to withdraw some privileges associated with trust. And then, there may need to be some pretty consistent verification of things for a while until he has established a good track record of complete honesty.

Frankly, to me, lying is HUGE. God is a God of truth. Lies are so offensive to Him. And it’s not hard to see why. How do you have any kind of meaningful relationship with someone who isn’t truthful with you? I remember David O. McKay saying that trust is more important than love. That makes perfect sense to me. So, I think it’s incredibly important to send a strong message about how crucial honesty is. Again, that doesn’t excuse harsh or punitive measures, but I do believe that consequences are definitely in order. Check out Alma 42–the whole chapter–for a great explanation of why there are consequences for sin.

BTW, I am seldom too impressed by the current philosophies in marriage and family relations. Some ideas can be interesting, I suppose, but, when it comes to parenting ideas for instance, we are in such a permissive mode as a society that we need to be extremely cautious. Neal A. Maxwell warned,

“The more what is politically correct seeks to replace what God has declared correct, the more ineffective approaches to human problems there will be, all reminding us of C. S. Lewis’s metaphor about those who run around with fire extinguishers in times of flood. For instance, there are increasing numbers of victims of violence and crime, yet special attention is paid to the rights of criminals. Accompanying an ever-increasing addiction to pornography are loud alarms against censorship. Rising illegitimacy destroys families and threatens the funding capacities of governments; nevertheless, chastity and fidelity are mocked. These and other consequences produce a harsh cacophony. When Nero fiddled as Rome burned, at least he made a little music! I HAVE NO HESITANCY, BROTHERS AND SISTERS, IN STATING THAT UNLESS CHECKED, PERMISSIVENESS, BY THE END OF ITS JOURNEY, WILL CAUSE HUMANITY TO STARE IN MUTE DISBELIEF AT ITS AWFUL CONSEQUENCES.

Ironically, as some people become harder, they use softer words to describe dark deeds.” (Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Becometh As a Child’,” Ensign, May 1996, 68, emphasis added.)

That last sentence is important to me, too. Lying is a hard term, but it’s so important not to minimize–or soften–how seriously offensive to God it is and how destructive it is to all our relationships. ALL THIS, however, can and should be done in the context of a strong, loving relationship with our kids. So it sounds like your discussion with Josh was good and strengthened your relationship. That’s always a positive. It’s just also essential that the message is delivered clearly and, in my opinion, God is clear on the fact that consequences are an eternal reality. In fact, a big part of parenting, in my opinion, is that—within the context of a strong, positive, loving relationship—we need to make it worth our children’s while, through the use of consequences, for our children to harness their own natural man.

Carry on.

I read your BYU-I devotional on the 3 realms. I am dealing with a husband, “John,” with a pornography addiction. I turned completely to the Lord and He has taken me on a journey that has included a 13 month separation, 6 months together, then I left (I thought for good). The Lord sent me back home 4 months ago, but we’re still separated. (I don’t believe in divorce or separation -unless the Lord says to.)
We have gone to LDS Family Services. We finally got him to commit to individual counseling but we still cannot talk without him blaming me for problems. Counselors say they have to be careful because John can’t handle confrontation. The Lord has blessed me to not be reactive anymore. My husband thinks he is totally acceptable to the Lord, even with how he treats me. He has never quit going to church, praying, reading scriptures, going to temple

Some specific issues:

1.     John is constantly aligning the kids against me. (He buys them things and indulges them and when I try to draw lines—like requiring a daughter to be responsible for wrecking her car, or setting rules for a teenage son’s driving—John makes it clear he doesn’t agree and I’m the “bad guy.”

2.     He has never put me on his insurance (he and the kids are covered).

3.     We get along fine if we don’t talk about his problems, disciplining, money, or anything of importance.

4.     The kids don’t listen to me because they see John will not listen to me.

5.     John says the Lord has told him it’s time to come home now. I don’t feel that and when I told him, he tried using threats and force.

Any Terrestrial Boundaries I can set? Or any other suggestions?

Thanks.

ANSWER

Chris: If in fact you are truly non-reactive, you have reached a significant milestone in this relationship.  However, I think it must be extremely difficult to not react to his behavior, particularly behaviors that have been talked about, with commitments made, and then those commitments are not honored. He says it’s time to come back home in spite of his not keeping his promises—his behavior at night, his refusing to negotiate on what he does with the children, and not having you on his insurance, to list just a few.

Two things come to mind.  First, I would make and prioritize a list of things that are totally within his power to do, and wait until he does it before letting him come back home. Putting you on his insurance, for me, would be at the top of the list.  If there are other things that can go on that list, put them on, then wait until he comes through.  If you are non-reactive, you’ll be able to wait while he works through some of these issues, but you won’t have to feel bad that you don’t agree to let him come home.  Second, on some of the children issues, use of cars, etc, perhaps an agreed upon third party counselor/bishop/whomever, could create a “binding arbitration” situation where you both agreed to the decision.  There seems to be so much disagreement between the two of you on many of these things, that I’m not sure the relationship is able to work many of these issues out.

One note of caution, if you really are serious about getting this relationship back on stable ground, you had better find things that are positive that you can comment on and build upon.  It is so easy to stay in a negative mode, that positive behavior can go unnoticed, missing an opportunity to build the relationship.

It’s important also that you find a supportive person through this process.  You need a place that you can talk and feel that you are heard.  A trusted friend or church leader can often help in this.

May the Lord bless you in your trials and efforts.

Lili: I agree with Chris on all the above. The things you are asking him to do are appropriate terrestrial boundaries—addressing (and giving up) his pornography addiction, honoring his obligation to provide, including putting you on his insurance, supporting you as a parent, etc. Often, the trick is enforcing those boundaries but, given the long-term nature and the severity of the issues, it is not inappropriate to continue the separation until you see concrete changes and they are sustained over time.

About the kids—it is natural for children to side with the more indulgent, less demanding parent. However, your kids are old enough now that you can sit down with them singly or together (and this will undoubtedly have to happen numerous times) to talk with them about what you are trying to help them learn and why it will be worth it to them to learn it. Make sure these aren’t lectures or fights but create a positive moment and share your desires for them to learn personal self-control and delayed gratification so they can have, at least, a good terrestrial life, with the option to go further. Point out that where you differ with their father, it is all about helping them to learn and live those principles so they can have successful lives. Point out the benefits of those patterns and point out examples of what happens when people fail to develop those consistent patterns. You don’t have to bash anyone—and shouldn’t—but you can point out which behaviors work and which don’t. There are always plenty of examples around us. And remember, we can’t influence our children unless we have a strong, positive relationship with them. If the relationships have become strained, spend time and energy to build them up again. It may take some time, maybe a long time, but in the long run, it’s always worth it.

Very best wishes.

Last February we found out my brother-in-law had been sexually molesting two of my children this was confirmed by him. In the flurry of activity that followed including reporting the abuse to the police and his excommunication from the church, it was revealed that there has been extensive incest in my husband’s family both between siblings and by the maternal grandfather. This brother-in-law has refused to cooperate with the police and it now appears he will escape punishment.

I have two questions. One is how do I balance forgiveness with making sure this cycle of abuse stops? Second, what can I do in my own home to prevent sexual acting out in my own children who have already been highly sexualized at a young age?

ANSWER

Lili: You ask the right questions. First, it’s important to understand that forgiveness is not really a healthy option until safety has been established. If we forgive when we—or our loved ones—are still in danger, in a way, we are accepting a victim role. So the key issue becomes your unit family’s safety. Remember that your own life and immediate family are the only areas where you can exert some appropriate measure of control. You can’t take on the burden of making sure that your husband’s family of origin and/or extended family stops injurious behaviors and gets on the right path. This is not to say that where crimes have been or are committed that you should not report those activities to the proper authorities—including Church authorities—but, as you have learned first hand, that may or may not prove effective.

So, it is important for you and your husband to counsel together about the amount and type of interaction that you will have with his side of the family, given the circumstances. Some members of his family may be completely on board in taking responsibility to supervise children and make sure that they are safe. Others may be in denial to one degree or another, hoping that if all this is ignored it will eventually go away. In that case, it would not be wise to grant the same kind of access to your children without your direct supervision. Certainly, contact with your brother-in-law, given his choice to avoid responsibility through failing to cooperate with the police, should end. If he ever comes to a place where he takes responsibility and accesses appropriate, professional resources to address his issues, you can revisit that decision. But if we don’t even acknowledge that something is broken, we’re not going to waste time or effort fixing it. Until he acknowledges and takes appropriate responsibility for fixing his problems, he’s not a safe relationship for any child.

If you and your husband don’t agree about how to maintain appropriate boundaries with his side of the family, you may need to speak together with the bishop and/or with a professional counselor to come to a unified decision about how to draw those lines and how to communicate them to his extended family. THEN, when your unit family is safe, forgiveness becomes an available option.

Of course, your second question deals with another kind of safety that has been taken away and has resulted in ongoing problems that arise out of sexual abuse. Let me insert here a response from Chris.

Chris: Sexual victimization creates early sexualization or eroticization, which has to be addressed. This is something that probably needs to be done with the help of a good counselor who has experience working with young abuse victims. It’s important that the therapist and the parents normalize the problem as much as possible, but avoid blowing it out of proportion. This is done by maintaining appropriate behavioral guidelines. The age of the children involved will, of course, impact the processing of this issue and, no matter what the ages involved, this will take a while. You want to walk the balance between knowing those sexual feelings aren’t supposed to be in play yet BUT they’re normal given the circumstances although that doesn’t mean precocious sexual behaviors should be ignored or allowed. Childhood has to be reestablished, as much as possible. This will involve bringing the kids back developmentally and that is generally met with some resistance. It’s not easy, but utilizing good resources—particularly a good counselor who can help the children and help guide you in the process—healing can occur.

Lili: Just another couple of thoughts—first, be sure to talk to your children about what’s going on. It’s always important for victims of abuse to know that it’s not their fault and they didn’t do anything to provoke the abuse. It’s also important for them to know that they aren’t “bad” because they were taught to do things that are inappropriate. But it’s important for them to understand that the abuse gave them a mistaken idea of what kinds of things they should be doing, feeling, or thinking and they just need to learn to feel comfortable being kids again. So you and their dad will help them clear up the confusion of what is okay and what’s not. Then it’s really important not to get upset when you see inappropriate behaviors from the kids—this can send the message that the child is bad. You want to acknowledge that they are still confused about what behaviors are okay and it might take a while for them to get it straight but you’re reminding them and will continue to help them learn what’s best for them.

This is all going to take a while so it may be quite a while before you feel that you and your family are completely safe from the abuser. So if it takes a while before forgiveness is available to you, that’s okay. There’s a big difference between being vengeful and exercising caution. You are not an evil person but a wise one when you carefully and rationally determine what you need to do to keep your family safe, even if this involves limiting or even eliminating contact for a while or indefinitely. When you and your family are safe, forgiveness will come.

Very best wishes in your path toward healing.

FYI: A resource that can be helpful for all parents teaching children about intimacy in age-appropriate ways is The Parent’s Guide. It was put together in the 70s, so it could use some updating, but it remains a useful reference. It’s available from Church Distribution.