My daughter, Eden, posted this on her blog recently and I find myself going back to it, once in a while, for sheer enjoyment. It always makes me smile.

More and more, society seems to regard fatherhood as optional. 41% of childbirths in the U.S. occur outside marriage. In 2 of 3 of these births, the father is never legally identified. It is estimated that 36% of children in America live apart from their fathers. More than half of divorced fathers lose contact with their children within a few years. Ten years after divorce, as many as 2/3 of dads have drifted out of their children’s lives. A 1994 study showed men were more likely to default on a child-support payment (49%) than on a used-car payment (3%).

Kids need dads. Studies show that father-child one-on-one involvement, at least 3 times each week is associated with significantly higher levels of empathy and compassion in developing children and the adults they become. A positive relationship with dad may be the best prevention against gender identity confusion in young men. And positive interaction with dad is associated with better success in school, career, and social adjustment, to name just a few areas of impact.

So, watch the video now and then, smile, and–to all you dads–be involved and stay connected. We need you.

Note: Two great books on the impact of fathers are Fatherless America, by David Blankenhorn, and Life Without Father, by David Popenoe. I believe both are out of print but not hard to find online.

My husband and I have serious marriage problems.  We’ve been married for 31 years and basically, I have never felt connected to him emotionally.  We married before I felt that connection, and I naively thought it was something you got after living together.  In my attempts to address this, he has felt inadequate to meet my needs for friendship and love.  In the past he has suggested that I find a girlfriend to meet my friendship needs.  I have also felt our relationship was kind of a boss/employee relationship, never a friend/companion partnership.  He seems to me (and others) to have an arrogant manner.  I have felt intimidated much of the marriage.  After listening to one of your talks, I have finally been able to pinpoint one of my problems, which is an inability to be an agent for myself.  I’ve kept hoping he would someday decide he loved me and would start treating me with more emotional intimacy.  Over the years, because I hadn’t figured out how to still be “nice” while stopping him from being arrogant towards me, I have let resentment build.  It got really bad at one point and I consciously decided to protect myself by keeping an emotional distance.  I didn’t know at the time, but he was then addicted to porn.  After I found out, I was devastated and dared to ask him to go stay at his parents’ house.  He refused.  I spent the next three and a half years avoiding him in the house because I didn’t want to take our teenagers away from their home and neighborhood.  We haven’t shared the same bedroom for four years now.  I recently found out he’s been able to stay away from the addiction for almost a year and that fact has made it possible for me to look at him and talk to him without feeling sick.  We’ve talked seriously about the possibility of divorce.  He finally now says he wants friendship, whether it is with me or with someone else.  He has a girl in mind who is about 15 years younger than me.  Things are looking worse and worse.

The prospect of having our kids come from a broken family is the one thing I can’t reconcile.

I asked him if there was something I could do that would make it possible to mend the marriage.  He says he wants me to treat him like a friend.  He feels like he’s done his best to be kind and doesn’t think he should have to change any more.  He thinks I’m too sensitive.

While I am amazed that he seems to finally want what I have wanted all these years, the thing I need to happen so I can try to “be his friend” and mend the marriage is to be able to trust him.

My question is, how do you treat someone like a friend if you don’t trust them?  Do I start by pretending I trust him?  Do I leave myself open to be hurt and if he says something demeaning, tell him he’s doing something wrong and he needs to treat me better?  If I do that, he’ll get defensive and say I’m too sensitive.  How do I do this?

ANSWER

Your problem is serious and layered.  In this setting, we can’t hope to address all the relevant concerns. However, here are a few things to consider:

1.     It’s possible to be friendly with people we don’t trust—the key is that we have to acquire the skills to keep ourselves safe—emotionally and in every other way. This requires good boundary setting and maintenance. Too often, we get stuck waiting for our partner’s behavior to change or for them to “get religion” and realize how they are hurting us. This puts us in a position where we are being held hostage to someone else’s timetable of progression. That cannot be the will of our Heavenly Father. Part of our journey toward emotional and spiritual maturity is taking responsibility for our own safety, with or without the cooperation of those around us. This can and should be done without turning from victim to victimizer. We must become non-victim agents, as you’ve recognized. It’s actually not that hard to get along with, and even like, people that can’t hurt us, not necessarily because they have stopped being hurtful but because we know how to be safe. There are probably some books about relationship boundaries—I don’t have any titles to recommend but you might check this out. I am currently working on a book about how to deal with hurt and anger. The book after that—already begun—is on healthy relationship boundaries.

2.     You almost certainly could benefit from good counseling. Hopefully there is someone, perhaps a friend or priesthood leader, that could give you a referral. Just fyi, I have a growing number of clients outside of Utah that I visit with over the phone or on video chat.

3.     The pornography was certainly a key contributor to your husband’s emotional distance. Pornography turns people cold. It’s good that he has stayed away from porn for the past year and a half but the fact that you just recently found out doesn’t indicate complete repentance on his part. Real repentance must include apologizing to those we have offended and doing all in our power to fix what we’ve broken. So, of course, you don’t trust him.

4.     I understand not wanting your kids to come from a broken home, nevertheless, consider these words from Elder Dallin H. Oaks: “. . . members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period . . .  have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Divorce,” Ensign, May 2007, emphasis added).

5.     While I, too, believe in marriage preservation—particularly where children are involved—I know it is not always possible. It is not healthy to remain in a marriage where human dignity is being destroyed. The fact that your husband already has his eye on a woman 15 years younger than you are is not encouraging. However, if you learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries, taking responsibility for your own emotional safety, it may be possible for you to be friendly, in spite of not trusting your husband. That might make it possible for the marriage to continue and there are usually significant advantages to the children and to a wife to maintain a marriage. So I really hope you will get help to learn how to set those boundaries and give it a try.

I wish you the best.

I understand the idea of “making it worth their while” in parenting.  However, could you give me some specific examples so I can understand how to apply it?  My youngest (of four) is fourteen–a darling daughter that I cherish.  I have taught her piano for a decade and still can’t seem to “make it worth her while” so she can really progress and come to use and enjoy it.  Also, feed her dog w/o reminding daily; be more outwardly pleasant to people (so she can make new friends as a freshmen going into a charter school with none of her other acquaintances), and so forth.

Also, can I make it “worth my sons while” to prepare earlier for events, like leaving for BYU in August; packing for his mission next year, etc.  To keep my anxiety level lower I need to prepare in advance but I don’t want to stress the relationship by constantly prodding him.  He’s very responsible, but doesn’t do things on my timetable.  I want to have family peace before he leaves for these events.

Another daughter has three young children and she says they are going through a stage of just being mean to each other and calling names, i.e. “give it to me, stupid”.  She says no matter the “time outs”, “the lessons”, etc., they still continue.  I’m just trying to get some examples of “making it worth your while” that you mention in your book, Choosing Glory.

ANSWER

I have often said that the idea of a parent controlling a child is a short-lived myth. We don’t control anyone else, in the long term. But what we can do as parents is to utilize the structure and the resources in our children’s lives in order to “make it worth their while” to harness their own natural man appetites and desires. The way we do this is through a series of “carrots and sticks” or rewards and consequences that make the costs of poor behavior high and the payoffs low, while making the payoff of good behavior high and the costs relatively low.

In my last book, Choosing Glory, is a chapter on “Better Parenting.” In that chapter, I give a few examples of costs and payoffs that parents can use with their children. No particular set of carrots and sticks, however, will work for every child, so prayer, consultation, brainstorming, as well as some trial and error, is often required.

In addressing your specific situations, remember that I have only a cursory understanding of the circumstances and the personalities involved. That said, here are a few thoughts:

1-We need to be cautious about trying to enforce behaviors that God considers optional. While it is can be okay to insist that our children take piano lessons and even to insist that they practice, that insistence should only go so far. We can’t change our children’s hearts and make them enjoy music lessons or anything else. Incentives and consequences might include: no TV, calling friends, computer time, etc. until piano practice is completed; if she practices at least 2 (something reasonable) hours a week, she gets a privilege on Saturday; for every week that she practices at least 2 hrs without complaining, she earns a certain monetary credit toward something she wants. Things like that. Again, while the discipline of piano lessons and the skill itself can be a tremendous blessing in a child’s—and adult’s—life, it is optional in an eternal sense and thus, in my opinion, not worth an ongoing battle. I would have a serious talk with her, when the mood is positive, and explain why you would like her to have the benefits of that developed skill and find out what her real feelings are. Does she hate it? Does she like it but just needs reminders and incentives to practice sufficiently? Does she understand that your efforts to get her to practice are not coming from a desire to make her miserable but a desire to bless her life and give her an accomplishment and developed talent that she may be grateful for her whole life?

CHRIS ADDS: The issue with the piano may be a measurement of the relationship between mother and daughter.  If piano is that important, maybe another teacher would be an option.  If it is only the mother that wants piano for the daughter, maybe it should be put off for a while.  Every so often,  it doesn’t hurt for parents to reevaluate what is important, and for whom is it important.  At times, taking out the need for productivity in a relationship can allow for emotional growth and relational progress.

2-As far as feeding the dog is concerned, the obvious consequence is placing the dog in another home. That’s pretty drastic but if she was the one who wanted the dog and promised to care for the dog, ultimately, that is the natural consequence. Before going to that extent, however, try not letting her have dinner (or breakfast, or after school snacks) before she takes care of the dog. The dog is a living creature that is dependent on his owners for sustenance. It’s not okay for her to take care of her own needs and ignore his.

3-I would assume that your son made it to BYU (apologies—it’s been a busy summer for us, too, and I fell behind on Q&A). Here again, it would be important to consider whether you want his behavior to change for his sake or for yours. You mention that it affects your anxiety level. Sometimes we, as parents, can get a little too closely tied in to our kids’ behaviors, especially when those behaviors are not particularly high priority. Is it that when your son doesn’t do his part, you end up picking up all the pieces? Then what needs to happen is that you don’t pick up the pieces. If he doesn’t get ready, he’s not ready. (I hope you let him pack for BYU on his own and didn’t spend money to send him a bunch of things he forgot or to replace things that he had left at home.) And if you’re concerned that he packs at the last minute, leaving a huge mess in his room for you to deal with, make a plan for that, too. Either put it all in black garbage bags and let him deal with it when he gets home or pay someone to come in and clean it up and make that his next birthday or Christmas present. (That won’t work if you buy lots of other presents and he doesn’t notice the difference.)

CHRIS ADDS: With each developmental stage our children go through, there is an accompanying stage we go through as parents.  Just as children need to individuate in stages from parents, parents need to let go incrementally.  Along with becoming more independent, is the freedom to fail.  Without that potential, there is no growth.  There are consequences for every action and every inaction.  He’ll have to learn from what he does.  Parents can teach by precept and example, pointing out, in kind ways, what is going to happen when certain actions are followed, then the consequences follow.

When it comes to his mission, let him be responsible or let him leave later, when he’s ready to make it happen. At his age, there are things that he needs to take responsibility for or live with the consequences. That should be made clear and then it should be backed up with consistency. He should start to hear now that he will be responsible for getting his papers ready to submit for his mission. He should set up the doctor and dentist appointments, and the appointments with the bishop and stake president. If he chooses to go on a mission, he needs to be ready to take care of himself. You’re not going with him. But then you have to be able to let go. If his inactivity makes you anxious, you’re doing it wrong. And if you are the one who rescues him from his carelessness or laziness, he’s not really growing up. It’s important for us, as parents, to care more about letting our kids grow up meaningfully, than to just create and maintain the illusion that the child is becoming more responsible and mature by constantly rescuing.

4-As for your daughter’s kids, those behaviors really should be stopped. While not practicing piano or procrastinating packing for school are terrestrial type imperfections, calling siblings names, like “stupid,” falls into a telestial realm and parents need to draw that boundary firmly. I agree that time outs are often rather ineffective. I don’t think they’re tied in closely enough to the behavior and I don’t think the cost is great enough. I used to tell my own children that, if they didn’t treat their brothers and sisters with respect, they were not allowed to play with friends. “It’s easy to be nice to friends,” I would say, “but until you are nice to your brothers and sisters, that’s not going to happen.” That was a sufficient cost/payoff structure to motivate them. If one of the kids is being unkind and the other is behaving well, then the offender could be banished to a boring room in the house (with no toys, books, electronics, or other entertainments) while the well-behaved sibling has access to the fun stuff. If both, or all, are offenders, then no TV, no computer, no iPods, etc., until they can be respectful. Another possibility is to give them cleaning jobs to do together until they get along respectfully. (“After you both finish scrubbing that toilet and tub, there are 3 others in the house you can scrub, if you’re still not getting along.”) Once in a while, if two of our kids were not getting along right, my husband would take a scarf and tie their wrists together until they were treating each other correctly. They didn’t like it and they stopped fighting or being rude. I hope that starts generating some ideas. I would consider it very important to stop that behavior.

I wish you well.

QUESTION  Any ideas for assisting our 17 year old son with Asperger’s who is very oppositional?

ANSWER  My husband, Chris, has worked with some clients like your son—late adolescence, Asperger’s, unmotivated, sometimes defiant. This is what he says.

Chris: These are just some quick thoughts, many of which you may have already considered.

First, I think it would be important to have reasonable expectations. If Asperger’s is the issue, he’s limited in what he can do, and you are aware that too much expectation will only serve to make him agitated.

Along with expectations, encourage what he likes, both recreationally and for possible work opportunities.  My guess is he probably functions better in a routine situation where he can get the pattern down without a lot of different things to have to do. The more he’s able to do expected tasks, the more he can progress and do even more things.  Get involved in the things he likes as well, show interest and learn from his interests.
It’s important that when you deal with him, especially when you are in disciplinary mode, that anger not be the driving force, or even a secondary one.  Wait to cool down before trying to discipline.

In addition, build a system that rewards and disciplines based on behavior. If he earns a right to go out or to be with friends, so be it, if he doesn’t do what is expected, he has no reward. Don’t fight, argue, or otherwise engage over negative things.

You are probable aware of it, but there are support groups for parents of Asperger’s children. That can be a helpful resource.

God bless you in your efforts, every challenge we have gives us something to grow from, though usually not what we think we would have chosen.

Let me know how things go.

Lili: Just a few additional thoughts –

1-Do whatever is necessary to make sure that you, and everyone else around, are safe. When you have a 17 year old, defiant son, this needs to be taken into consideration. If he gets violent, you have to have a plan that works to deal with it. Otherwise, you end up dealing with a terrorist. Never productive.

2-As Chris mentioned, a classic approach with Asperger’s is behaviorism—based on costs and payoffs. When you think about it, all human beings are motivated by costs and payoffs. We do the things that give us substantial reward for little cost. We stop doing things when the cost exceeds the rewards/benefits. There are “Tough Love” materials that can help with this. You can google a lot of info on this. They are redoing their website    http://toughlove.com/html/

3-Chris also talked about building the relationship. We have much more influence when there is an abundance of positive influence in our relationship with our kids. This can take some work but it pays off in big dividends.

4-Try to create/structure situations for your son to be successful. This may take a lot of support, patience, working with him, whatever. But it’s absolutely true that “success breeds success.”

Again, those may all be familiar things that you have worked with before.

Best wishes.

Shortly after we had our second baby, I accidentally stumbled across some web searches my husband had done looking for porn sites. I confronted him and at first he tried to lie his way out of it, but when pressed, he finally admitted he had been looking at porn and engaging in masturbation. He promised me at that time that he hadn’t looked at porn for a month, and he didn’t want to continue looking at it. I believed him. Right before our 3rd child was born, I again stumbled across some web searches for porn sites. Again I confronted my husband and found that he had not stopped looking at porn, but instead had just gotten better at covering his tracks. He told me this time that since he no longer believes in God, he does not see viewing pornographic material as bad or immoral. I told him that it’s was very hurtful to me—I feel like he has committed an act of infidelity, not to mention the fact that he lied to me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, and so he would really try hard to stop looking at porn. Again, I believed him. It’s been a year and a half since our 3rd child was born. I just again found proof that he is still looking at porn—obviously he has an addiction problem.

I’m just wondering, what can I expect of my husband in this situation? If he doesn’t feel that it’s morally wrong, are we at an impasse? I feel cheated, hurt, angry—especially because I think his internet viewing has crossed the threshold into adult chat rooms. Despite this weakness of his, I’m still head over heels in love with my husband. We have a pretty good marriage. He is a fantastic father to our 3 children who all adore him. Can I expect my husband to uphold the same moral code that he had when we got married, even though his views on God have changed? Am I wrong to feel like his viewing pornography is a form of infidelity? I want nothing more than for him to return to the gospel. How can I help him get on that path when he seems wholly uninterested and perhaps even opposed to that idea? This whole ordeal has been a huge faith-shaker to me, and although I’m struggling, I’m hoping to come out on the other side with a more sure knowledge of the gospel. I have not spoken to anyone about my husband’s problem with porn (our families know a little about his struggle with his faith). I do not want to sweep this problem under the rug anymore. I guess I just want some affirmation that I’m not over-reacting and that his actions are indeed detrimental to our marriage, even if he feels otherwise.

ANSWER

Although I will elaborate below, I think it comes down to this:

1-Whether or not your husband believes in God, pornography is destructive to him and to everyone who loves him.
2-You can expect your husband to be honest. You can expect to be faithful (i.e. NOT participate in adult chat rooms). You can also expect him to acknowledge the damage that pornography is doing to you and your family, even if he denies that if is also damaging him.
3-You can’t change him but you can create and maintain healthy boundaries. You are the one who determines what those boundaries are.

The debate is raging, but although there are people who call pornography a “victimless crime,” the fact is that there are no victimless crimes. I don’t expect that your husband will be open to it, but you could find both religious and non-religious material online that discusses the harm done by pornography.

I have spoken to dozens of women whose husbands are addicted to pornography. Again and again, I have heard them say—and their husbands have backed this up—that they know when their husbands are involved. And though I certainly don’t discount the spiritual promptings that may be occurring, the wives report that they know because their husbands act differently. Sometimes it’s hard for the wives to describe what’s different but, over the years, what I hear from them can be summarized this way—their husbands go cold. Exposure to degrading materials feeds lust and extinguishes natural warmth and affection. After all, the commandments are not arbitrary hoops for us to jump through; they are given to help us—if we are obedient—to avoid the worst dangers of life. Whether or not your husband believes in God, he is exposing himself, and his family, to the huge costs of involvement with this plague.

Of course, it’s not unlikely that at least part of your husband’s loss of faith is a direct result of his inability to turn away from pornography. Sadly, no matter how much you want him to regain his faith, he has to want it, too. Review D&C Section 121:41-43:

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

A few other comments:

You may feel that you are “head over heels” in love with your husband but there’s a disconnect in there somewhere. He lies, he disregards your feelings, he’s turned away from the faith you shared, he’s broken his covenants, and he’s involved in sex-talk with other women online. I’m sure he’s got good parts, but he is bringing the telestial realm into your marriage and family. I understand continuing to care about the people close to us but, at some point, sin destroys married love.

Only you can decide how and when to draw the boundaries you want to draw. And then you have to think ahead to what you are willing to do to back up those boundaries. Fasting and prayer are called for in such tough considerations. You may benefit from consulting with priesthood leaders and a professional counselor (choose a good one). Personally, I would draw the first line at the adult chat rooms. I think I would also install a guardian program (they can be downloaded from the internet) on all family computers. You have 3 kids in the home. They are vulnerable and should be protected. He has rights over his laptop but you could ask him to use it outside the home or alone in a room away from the family (which is probably what he’s doing anyway—but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it).

You are NOT overreacting and his actions ARE harmful to your marriage and your family. Viewing porn is definitely a form of infidelity.

Finally, Heavenly Father knows what you are dealing with and wants you to be safe and happy. He does NOT want you to be stuck in a situation in which you and your children are being victimized. Life can be so painful sometimes but there is infinite power in the Atonement of Jesus Christ—power to help you find safety and peace, power to heal your wounds.

God bless you.

ANSWER

I can’t disagree that therapy has become, in some circles, almost kitschy (“something that appeals to popular or lowbrow taste and is often of poor quality” –Merriam-Webster Online). In other circles, however, the prevailing sentiment is: “You have to be crazy to go see a therapist.” There is a healthy balance between those extremes. Here are a few thoughts:

1-Therapy can be very helpful in processing trauma. The loss of a loved one, a serious accident or illness, an assault of any kind, a child with birth defects, divorce or other traumatic events or experiences tend to resolve more quickly and more completely when they are well-processed. Therapy can help.

2-Therapy can help when we feel stuck. There are any number of challenging situations that can confuse us or hurt us to a point of near immobility. When we know we are stuck and can’t see clear alternatives, therapy can be useful.

3-If an individual is taking anti-depressants, he or she should be aware that medications are, in general, treating the symptoms, not the root of the problem. Every study on this issue shows that anti-depressants are significantly more effective when combined with therapy.

4-Marriage problems can be effectively addressed in a good therapeutic setting. A husband and wife who are willing to honestly engage in making changes to improve their relationship can accomplish a great deal. Although some would say that marriage counseling can’t take place unless both partners are involved, personally, I feel that marriage work can be done even if there is just one of the partners involved. If either husband or wife is willing to address their part of the relationship and make changes in the ways they act and react, the relationship dynamic changes and things can improve.

This is, of course, not a comprehensive list of situations or problems that can be addressed in therapy. Loneliness, any painful relationship, depression, addictions of all kinds, parenting issues, having been a victim of abuse, anger issues, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, blended family issues . . . the list goes on . . .anything that is creating serious stress, may be significantly helped by seeing a good therapist.

In my 16 years as a therapist, it is not my experience that people seek therapy for frivolous concerns. In fact, when I was starting out seeing clients, my husband, Chris—having been a therapist for 15 years, at that point—said, “The bishops keep the easy ones.” I have found that to be true, not that the bishops don’t deal with plenty of serious issues, too, bless them. Neither have I seen people seek therapy too quickly.  It is just the reverse. Often, I find myself wishing clients had come in earlier. This is particularly true with marriage troubles. There are times I honestly feel we could have saved a marriage, if at least one partner had sought help earlier.

As discussed in the last post, therapy is a strange profession and, always, caveat emptor—“let the buyer beware.” But if you, or someone you love, need help, don’t wait too long.

For an endorsement of therapy, watch the clip below (from Chris’ and my favorite movie about therapy, “What About Bob?”):

Here are a few thoughts.

Therapy is not cheap, so it makes sense to begin by checking with your insurance to see if there may be some coverage for mental/emotional health services. If there is coverage, there is generally a provider list—a list of therapists that have contracted with the insurance company. If you don’t have any specific recommendation from someone you trust, start calling. It may take some time, but therapists should be willing to speak with you on the phone, briefly, to give you a bit of a feel for them. I would ask how long they’ve been in practice, what their areas of emphasis are, if they have any particular areas of focus, if they have worked much with your area of concern. You may also want to ask their approach. Members of the Church can ask if the therapist is LDS and if he or she typically incorporates LDS principles in therapy with LDS clients. If the therapist is not LDS, you should feel comfortable that your personal and religious beliefs will be respected and that therapy will be conducted within that framework. You may also want to have a super-brief synopsis of your situation already prepared and you can then ask them what sort of approach would be typical for that situation.

If you are choosing a therapist for a son or daughter, you may want to consider if your child would be most comfortable with a male or a female therapist. I would also ask what kind of communication the therapist maintains with the parent. Every client, even if underage, is entitled to confidentiality with a therapist. However, in my opinion, confidentiality does not mean the parent can’t know if the child is engaging in the therapeutic process willingly or reluctantly and at what level he is engaging. Personally, I prefer to meet with the parent(s), also, at or near the beginning of the process, usually, to get background, as well as the parents’ perspective and concerns. Then, I may continue to meet with one or both parents occasionally to help parents deal with their concerns and stress, to get parental feedback on how the child is doing, and to help parents made adjustments in their own part of the parent-child dynamic to help develop and support the changes that we want to see in the child. Change in a child is much more likely when the parents are involved in the process, in some senses, as co-therapists. When parents participate in changing the family dynamic, change is much more likely and lasting than if we just meet with the child for one hour a week.

So, the idea is to do a very brief phone interview with the therapist and often, that gives you a sense of who they are, etc. I know it can take some time but it’s worth it. However, in spite of doing a preliminary screening (with the phone call), I would encourage you to still be picky even after therapy begins. The therapist should be able to establish a good rapport very quickly with the client(s). Clients should feel listened to, understood, and cared for. Clients should also feel that they are gaining insight and learning things that can help him do things differently for a better outcome. Some therapists are good, sympathetic listeners but don’t offer much more than that. My husband calls that “Rent-a-Friend.” Therapy is too big an investment to settle for something that doesn’t lead to the change you’re seeking.

Although it can be a hassle, in my opinion, it is better to shop around and even better to do a bit of trial and error, as needed, to find the best fit. Therapy is a strange profession, I’m afraid. There are some very helpful therapists out there, but there are some pretty strange ones, too. Maybe we’re all a little weird . The profession tends to be quite liberal in terms of social agendas, political correctness, and permissiveness, so you want to watch for that. Certainly, not all therapists follow that path, but that’s another reason it really is important to find a therapist that shares, or at least respects, your values framework.

Participating in therapy is an intensely personal experience. You have the right—and the need—to feel that you are in safe, caring, respectful, and skilled hands. Sometimes that can be found on a provider list, sometimes it can’t.

I am also regularly asked about choosing psychiatrists. Personally, although they differ, too, since psychiatrists mostly practice psychopharmacology (prescribing and regulating medications), with little counseling involved, I wouldn’t be as worried about choosing a psychiatrist.

Good luck.

Note: Just FYI, with today’s technology, I am taking more out-of-state clients than ever before. Phone call appointments have worked for many clients. Others prefer Skype or G-chat video appointments.

“Plan(s)” appears in the standard works (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price) 34 times.  Notable uses of the word include the following:

The Plan of Redemption

The Plan of the Great Creator

The Plan of our God

The Great and Eternal Plan of Deliverance from Death

The Plan of Restoration

The Plan of Salvation

–and President Boyd K. Packer’s favorite—

The Great Plan of Happiness.

Other uses of the word, include (I won’t dignify the following with capitalization):

the cunning plan of the evil one, and

the secret plans of Gadianton.

On the other hand, the word “prepare” is found in scripture 270 times. So, what’s the difference between planning and preparing?

Let’s consider the following definitions:

PLAN—to arrange a method or scheme beforehand for any work, enterprise, or proceeding (dictionary.com), or, to devise or project the realization or achievement of  (merriam-webster.com)

PREPARE—to put in proper condition or readiness (dictionary.com), or, to make ready beforehand for some purpose, or, to put in a proper state of mind (merriam-webster.com)

Do you see the difference? It seems to me that planning assumes that we can control the various elements required to bring to pass our goals. Preparing, on the other hand, seems to focus on the single element we can control—ourselves. To me, planning also seems to indicate that we have a time-frame in mind. Preparing seems to minimize the time aspect.

Of course, I’m not suggesting that we never make plans. But when it comes to the life’s essentials, I believe our focus should be on preparation.

Quick example: I spoke with a young woman whose boyfriend, a returned missionary, was currently without his temple recommend and on Church probation. He had serious concerns about the last days, however, and was learning how to store and use black powder, in case he needed it for defense sometime in the future. You could say he was planning ahead but he wasn’t at all prepared. By the way, when the Wasatch Fault goes, it could swallow up our food storage in an earthquake. That doesn’t mean that part of our preparation should not include storing food. Of course, we should, it’s a directive from the prophets of God. BUT our safety is not in the food storage, it’s in our preparation through obedience to all of God’s commandments, so that we are worthy of the promises He has given the faithful, the prepared. That young man would have been wiser to attend to his return to full fellowship and getting temple worthy than messing with black powder.

Just a thought . . . .

There are two scriptures that have long troubled me that I would appreciate your perspective on. The scriptures are:  Alma 34:34 and Mormon 9:14.

Alma 34:34: Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world.

Moroni 9:14: And then cometh the judgment of the Holy One upon them; and then cometh the time that he that is filthy shall be filthy still; and he that is righteous shall be righteous still; he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life.  I keep them at bay because I am intelligent and rational.  I consistently do all those things that I know will promote good mental and spiritual health.  I have many friends, a wonderful husband and 5 great children.  I would have to say though, that I never completely break out of that depression and anxiety box; I stay at the top when I’m on top of things, but cruise in the middle too often.  I have found that the older I get (I’m now in my mid-fifties) the harder it is to stay on top. My struggle is not situational; I have the usual life challenges but not more or less than the average LDS woman.  I see trends of similar weaknesses in both of my brothers.  Our father (deceased) was an alcoholic who probably self-medicated.

I often wonder how we are to tell the difference between weaknesses that we should view as “thorns in the side” or biological inheritances that we are meant mostly to manage in this life, and weaknesses that, through Christ and the Atonement, we are capable of conquering in this life.  I have contemplated, analyzed fasted and prayed over this weakness for over 40 years, and it still lingers, especially the anxiety.

I understand that Alma 34:34 is talking about sin, but knowing that our same spirit will rise with us, and that unhappiness will follow us is a haunting prospect for someone with depression and anxiety.

What are your thoughts about how issues like depression, anxiety and other mental health concerns are resolved as we crossover from this life to the next?

ANSWER

I am so sorry to hear of your concerns. In my opinion, you don’t have to worry at all about depression continuing into the hereafter.

Let’s consider another scriptural promise about the hereafter.

Revelation 20:4 (emphasis added): And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

So the question becomes, about whom is God talking in each of the scriptures cited?

Looking at the scriptures as a body of work that teaches about the Plan of Salvation, I think it’s safe to say the following—and you did ask for my perspective :

1. In Alma 34, God is speaking of repentance. Thus, those who have a repentant spirit will repent here in their probationary estate and be in pretty good shape to complete the process during the millennium. Those who do not have a repentant spirit may think they can procrastinate the day of their repentance (see verses 33 and 35, just before and after this one) but will find they have the same unrepentant spirit in the spirit world as they do here. It will be “everlastingly too late” (Helaman 13:38) for them.
2. The verse in Moroni 9 also needs to be taken in context. God is talking about judgment and making two basic divisions, labeling them in different ways, but it’s not 4 groups he’s talking about, it’s 2. God often divides people in two broad categories: righteous and unrighteous, clean and unclean, sheep and goats, wheat and tares, happy and unhappy. I personally believe that he’s talking about the kind of happiness that comes with joining the ranks of the Savior (as in “We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er, happy are we. . . .”, Hymns #250).
3. While righteous living certainly does not always correspond in this life with happiness (e.g. see the lives of the prophets ancient and modern), those who qualify for being righteous, clean, sheep, and wheat will also be in the group that is happy—filled with joy—forever (see Rev 20:4 above). If doing all that we can to live the gospel in this life still could leave us feeling depressed or anxious forever, personally, I don’t think I would have signed up for that plan. But I don’t believe that’s even an option. I think, if we choose Christ, happiness and a fullness of joy are our eternal promise.

If I understand correctly, you are also asking if depression and anxiety are weaknesses that we need to conquer through Christ’s atonement in this life or the “thorn in the flesh” weaknesses that we just need to manage and endure. In my opinion, we don’t need to distinguish between those things because I think the only difference is in timing and that is not ours to know. What I mean is that, as the Lord teaches us in Ether 12:27, “I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” I think all weaknesses create a challenge that is like a “thorn in the flesh” that needs to be managed until through Christ, those weaknesses are healed and made strong. Sometimes that happens in mortality and some will be finished up during the Millennium. I think we may underestimate how many mortal challenges will be resolved in that thousand-year period. The Millennium is still part of the Second Estate, a probationary period, and I agree with a friend of mine who once told me that she thought one reason the Millennium was going to be 1000 years long was that it would take that much family therapy for anyone to be fit for the kingdom. (My husband, Chris, and I used to think that we might need to change professions and become teachers or farmers in the Millennium, but looks like job security right up till Final Judgment.) Joking aside, I really do believe that the Millennium will be a healing time, a completion time, a generous part of the Plan that allows for God’s promise to be fulfilled “that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life” (Alma 29:4) including the desire to be happy and at peace.

Let me also mention that while, at this time of your life, you may not feel your life is any more stressful than “average,” it may be that there are some unresolved hurts or challenges from earlier in life that have never been fully addressed. And anxiety is pretty much always associated with the need to be in control and generally grows out of difficult times when we felt/feel out of control. I recognize that some individuals seem to be more genetically predisposed to depression and anxiety than others but more often than not, there are ways to minimize depression and anxiety with good quality counseling support.

In any event, I truly believe that for all of us who desire to please God and manifest that desire day-to-day in sincere efforts to be acceptable to Him, though we fall far short of perfection, complete happiness, and peace in this life, we will be happy, full of joy, and full of peace in the world to come.

Best wishes.

NOTE: I am working on a book about dealing with hurts and anger that discusses depression and healing. I’m not sure when it will be finished (my schedule is a little nuts) but I hope for a release sometime in 2011.

There are at least two potential problems with advice-giving. First, it attempts to move the person in pain prematurely forward to rational problem-solving. Most of us are aware that when in the grip of strong emotion, it’s difficult to think all that rationally, so it’s not really a good idea to consider solutions until after the emotions have been released and lessened in intensity. And if problem-solving precedes emotional support, feelings are likely to be pushed aside, triggering the multitude of problems associated with repressed anger (including depression, anxiety, and a host of physical ailments). Obvious exceptions should be treated with common sense. Sometimes the person coming to us with a problem is looking for a quick thought or feedback. Trying to engage that friend in a discussion about deep feelings would be unnecessary and ridiculous. If we’re not sure what our friend is seeking—listening or quick feedback—we should ask and then respond appropriately.

However, the careful observer will start to recognize that much of the time, probably most of the time, what people want from us is not advice, it’s understanding and sympathy. When I discussed this in one of my classes at BYU, one semester, a young man, Rick, raised his hand and said, “I finally get it.” He went on to tell about something that had puzzled him for years. When in high school, Rick dated Kristy for a while. Rick said that he always tried to be a great boyfriend. He would help Kristy take care of her car, filling it with gas, making sure the tires were good and properly inflated. He would wash and even detail the car every so often. Kristy’s school locker wasn’t opening well, so Rick fiddled with the mechanism and judiciously applied some WD-40 until it worked smoothly. He felt good about taking care of Kristy. Then one day, Kristy called Rick after school and was really upset. She and her sister had argued about something and Kristy was so hurt and angry that Rick could hardly understand her through her tears. When she paused for a breath, Rick tried to calmly and soothingly suggest how she could deal with the problem—he wanted to fix things for Kristy. Kristy interrupted him with a sharp and loud, “Don’t say anything! Just listen to me!” Rick held the phone a little distance from his ear as Kristy semi-shouted through her tears for maybe 20 minutes. Every once in a while, Kristy would pause and ask, “Are you still there?” Rick always replied, “Sure. I’m listening.” Then Kristy too a deep breath and asked, in a more normal tone, “So are you going to be home for a while?” Rick said he wasn’t going anywhere. About an hour later, Kristy showed up at his door with a huge plate of his favorite cookies and said, “You are the BEST boyfriend.” As Rick smiled wryly in our classroom, he said, “Till now, I never knew what I did right!”

Frankly, men are sometimes at a disadvantage in this area because their roles are so often about solving problems. Every job, when you think about it, is about solving problems and the better and quicker that the worker solves the problem, the more opportunity for reward and advancement. Even when a man comes home from work, he is often asked to take care of problems around the house. A husband may come home from work to be greeted by his wife with, “My car isn’t starting very well.” She probably doesn’t want him to respond with, “Well, how do you feel about that, dear?” She wants him to take care of it, to solve the problem. So another day he comes home to an upset wife who says, “My mother called today and she makes me so upset I can’t stand it!” He may automatically jump in to solve the problem with something like, “Well, don’t take her calls any more.” His wife may get even more upset: “Don’t tell me not to talk to my mother! I can’t do that. Why would you even suggest such a thing?” And now the husband scratches his head in confusion, thinking, “I’m just trying to help with her problem. Why is she mad at me, now?”

While men seem to be the most likely to immediately jump to problem-solving, women also struggle with this automatic response. Whether full time at home taking care of children and family, all day, or whether in a work setting, women get used to solving problems, also. If we really want to become better and more effective resources for helping others process their feelings, we need to stop problem solving and start listening to and accepting feelings.

NOTE: The above is an excerpt from the new book I am writing on dealing with anger.

AND–I apologize for not posting for the last couple of weeks. We were out of town for 12 days and I returned home sick, so catching up has been even more challenging than usual. Thanks for reading.