QUESTION  Any ideas for assisting our 17 year old son with Asperger’s who is very oppositional?

ANSWER  My husband, Chris, has worked with some clients like your son—late adolescence, Asperger’s, unmotivated, sometimes defiant. This is what he says.

Chris: These are just some quick thoughts, many of which you may have already considered.

First, I think it would be important to have reasonable expectations. If Asperger’s is the issue, he’s limited in what he can do, and you are aware that too much expectation will only serve to make him agitated.

Along with expectations, encourage what he likes, both recreationally and for possible work opportunities.  My guess is he probably functions better in a routine situation where he can get the pattern down without a lot of different things to have to do. The more he’s able to do expected tasks, the more he can progress and do even more things.  Get involved in the things he likes as well, show interest and learn from his interests.
It’s important that when you deal with him, especially when you are in disciplinary mode, that anger not be the driving force, or even a secondary one.  Wait to cool down before trying to discipline.

In addition, build a system that rewards and disciplines based on behavior. If he earns a right to go out or to be with friends, so be it, if he doesn’t do what is expected, he has no reward. Don’t fight, argue, or otherwise engage over negative things.

You are probable aware of it, but there are support groups for parents of Asperger’s children. That can be a helpful resource.

God bless you in your efforts, every challenge we have gives us something to grow from, though usually not what we think we would have chosen.

Let me know how things go.

Lili: Just a few additional thoughts –

1-Do whatever is necessary to make sure that you, and everyone else around, are safe. When you have a 17 year old, defiant son, this needs to be taken into consideration. If he gets violent, you have to have a plan that works to deal with it. Otherwise, you end up dealing with a terrorist. Never productive.

2-As Chris mentioned, a classic approach with Asperger’s is behaviorism—based on costs and payoffs. When you think about it, all human beings are motivated by costs and payoffs. We do the things that give us substantial reward for little cost. We stop doing things when the cost exceeds the rewards/benefits. There are “Tough Love” materials that can help with this. You can google a lot of info on this. They are redoing their website    http://toughlove.com/html/

3-Chris also talked about building the relationship. We have much more influence when there is an abundance of positive influence in our relationship with our kids. This can take some work but it pays off in big dividends.

4-Try to create/structure situations for your son to be successful. This may take a lot of support, patience, working with him, whatever. But it’s absolutely true that “success breeds success.”

Again, those may all be familiar things that you have worked with before.

Best wishes.

Shortly after we had our second baby, I accidentally stumbled across some web searches my husband had done looking for porn sites. I confronted him and at first he tried to lie his way out of it, but when pressed, he finally admitted he had been looking at porn and engaging in masturbation. He promised me at that time that he hadn’t looked at porn for a month, and he didn’t want to continue looking at it. I believed him. Right before our 3rd child was born, I again stumbled across some web searches for porn sites. Again I confronted my husband and found that he had not stopped looking at porn, but instead had just gotten better at covering his tracks. He told me this time that since he no longer believes in God, he does not see viewing pornographic material as bad or immoral. I told him that it’s was very hurtful to me—I feel like he has committed an act of infidelity, not to mention the fact that he lied to me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, and so he would really try hard to stop looking at porn. Again, I believed him. It’s been a year and a half since our 3rd child was born. I just again found proof that he is still looking at porn—obviously he has an addiction problem.

I’m just wondering, what can I expect of my husband in this situation? If he doesn’t feel that it’s morally wrong, are we at an impasse? I feel cheated, hurt, angry—especially because I think his internet viewing has crossed the threshold into adult chat rooms. Despite this weakness of his, I’m still head over heels in love with my husband. We have a pretty good marriage. He is a fantastic father to our 3 children who all adore him. Can I expect my husband to uphold the same moral code that he had when we got married, even though his views on God have changed? Am I wrong to feel like his viewing pornography is a form of infidelity? I want nothing more than for him to return to the gospel. How can I help him get on that path when he seems wholly uninterested and perhaps even opposed to that idea? This whole ordeal has been a huge faith-shaker to me, and although I’m struggling, I’m hoping to come out on the other side with a more sure knowledge of the gospel. I have not spoken to anyone about my husband’s problem with porn (our families know a little about his struggle with his faith). I do not want to sweep this problem under the rug anymore. I guess I just want some affirmation that I’m not over-reacting and that his actions are indeed detrimental to our marriage, even if he feels otherwise.

ANSWER

Although I will elaborate below, I think it comes down to this:

1-Whether or not your husband believes in God, pornography is destructive to him and to everyone who loves him.
2-You can expect your husband to be honest. You can expect to be faithful (i.e. NOT participate in adult chat rooms). You can also expect him to acknowledge the damage that pornography is doing to you and your family, even if he denies that if is also damaging him.
3-You can’t change him but you can create and maintain healthy boundaries. You are the one who determines what those boundaries are.

The debate is raging, but although there are people who call pornography a “victimless crime,” the fact is that there are no victimless crimes. I don’t expect that your husband will be open to it, but you could find both religious and non-religious material online that discusses the harm done by pornography.

I have spoken to dozens of women whose husbands are addicted to pornography. Again and again, I have heard them say—and their husbands have backed this up—that they know when their husbands are involved. And though I certainly don’t discount the spiritual promptings that may be occurring, the wives report that they know because their husbands act differently. Sometimes it’s hard for the wives to describe what’s different but, over the years, what I hear from them can be summarized this way—their husbands go cold. Exposure to degrading materials feeds lust and extinguishes natural warmth and affection. After all, the commandments are not arbitrary hoops for us to jump through; they are given to help us—if we are obedient—to avoid the worst dangers of life. Whether or not your husband believes in God, he is exposing himself, and his family, to the huge costs of involvement with this plague.

Of course, it’s not unlikely that at least part of your husband’s loss of faith is a direct result of his inability to turn away from pornography. Sadly, no matter how much you want him to regain his faith, he has to want it, too. Review D&C Section 121:41-43:

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

A few other comments:

You may feel that you are “head over heels” in love with your husband but there’s a disconnect in there somewhere. He lies, he disregards your feelings, he’s turned away from the faith you shared, he’s broken his covenants, and he’s involved in sex-talk with other women online. I’m sure he’s got good parts, but he is bringing the telestial realm into your marriage and family. I understand continuing to care about the people close to us but, at some point, sin destroys married love.

Only you can decide how and when to draw the boundaries you want to draw. And then you have to think ahead to what you are willing to do to back up those boundaries. Fasting and prayer are called for in such tough considerations. You may benefit from consulting with priesthood leaders and a professional counselor (choose a good one). Personally, I would draw the first line at the adult chat rooms. I think I would also install a guardian program (they can be downloaded from the internet) on all family computers. You have 3 kids in the home. They are vulnerable and should be protected. He has rights over his laptop but you could ask him to use it outside the home or alone in a room away from the family (which is probably what he’s doing anyway—but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it).

You are NOT overreacting and his actions ARE harmful to your marriage and your family. Viewing porn is definitely a form of infidelity.

Finally, Heavenly Father knows what you are dealing with and wants you to be safe and happy. He does NOT want you to be stuck in a situation in which you and your children are being victimized. Life can be so painful sometimes but there is infinite power in the Atonement of Jesus Christ—power to help you find safety and peace, power to heal your wounds.

God bless you.

ANSWER

I can’t disagree that therapy has become, in some circles, almost kitschy (“something that appeals to popular or lowbrow taste and is often of poor quality” –Merriam-Webster Online). In other circles, however, the prevailing sentiment is: “You have to be crazy to go see a therapist.” There is a healthy balance between those extremes. Here are a few thoughts:

1-Therapy can be very helpful in processing trauma. The loss of a loved one, a serious accident or illness, an assault of any kind, a child with birth defects, divorce or other traumatic events or experiences tend to resolve more quickly and more completely when they are well-processed. Therapy can help.

2-Therapy can help when we feel stuck. There are any number of challenging situations that can confuse us or hurt us to a point of near immobility. When we know we are stuck and can’t see clear alternatives, therapy can be useful.

3-If an individual is taking anti-depressants, he or she should be aware that medications are, in general, treating the symptoms, not the root of the problem. Every study on this issue shows that anti-depressants are significantly more effective when combined with therapy.

4-Marriage problems can be effectively addressed in a good therapeutic setting. A husband and wife who are willing to honestly engage in making changes to improve their relationship can accomplish a great deal. Although some would say that marriage counseling can’t take place unless both partners are involved, personally, I feel that marriage work can be done even if there is just one of the partners involved. If either husband or wife is willing to address their part of the relationship and make changes in the ways they act and react, the relationship dynamic changes and things can improve.

This is, of course, not a comprehensive list of situations or problems that can be addressed in therapy. Loneliness, any painful relationship, depression, addictions of all kinds, parenting issues, having been a victim of abuse, anger issues, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, blended family issues . . . the list goes on . . .anything that is creating serious stress, may be significantly helped by seeing a good therapist.

In my 16 years as a therapist, it is not my experience that people seek therapy for frivolous concerns. In fact, when I was starting out seeing clients, my husband, Chris—having been a therapist for 15 years, at that point—said, “The bishops keep the easy ones.” I have found that to be true, not that the bishops don’t deal with plenty of serious issues, too, bless them. Neither have I seen people seek therapy too quickly.  It is just the reverse. Often, I find myself wishing clients had come in earlier. This is particularly true with marriage troubles. There are times I honestly feel we could have saved a marriage, if at least one partner had sought help earlier.

As discussed in the last post, therapy is a strange profession and, always, caveat emptor—“let the buyer beware.” But if you, or someone you love, need help, don’t wait too long.

For an endorsement of therapy, watch the clip below (from Chris’ and my favorite movie about therapy, “What About Bob?”):

Here are a few thoughts.

Therapy is not cheap, so it makes sense to begin by checking with your insurance to see if there may be some coverage for mental/emotional health services. If there is coverage, there is generally a provider list—a list of therapists that have contracted with the insurance company. If you don’t have any specific recommendation from someone you trust, start calling. It may take some time, but therapists should be willing to speak with you on the phone, briefly, to give you a bit of a feel for them. I would ask how long they’ve been in practice, what their areas of emphasis are, if they have any particular areas of focus, if they have worked much with your area of concern. You may also want to ask their approach. Members of the Church can ask if the therapist is LDS and if he or she typically incorporates LDS principles in therapy with LDS clients. If the therapist is not LDS, you should feel comfortable that your personal and religious beliefs will be respected and that therapy will be conducted within that framework. You may also want to have a super-brief synopsis of your situation already prepared and you can then ask them what sort of approach would be typical for that situation.

If you are choosing a therapist for a son or daughter, you may want to consider if your child would be most comfortable with a male or a female therapist. I would also ask what kind of communication the therapist maintains with the parent. Every client, even if underage, is entitled to confidentiality with a therapist. However, in my opinion, confidentiality does not mean the parent can’t know if the child is engaging in the therapeutic process willingly or reluctantly and at what level he is engaging. Personally, I prefer to meet with the parent(s), also, at or near the beginning of the process, usually, to get background, as well as the parents’ perspective and concerns. Then, I may continue to meet with one or both parents occasionally to help parents deal with their concerns and stress, to get parental feedback on how the child is doing, and to help parents made adjustments in their own part of the parent-child dynamic to help develop and support the changes that we want to see in the child. Change in a child is much more likely when the parents are involved in the process, in some senses, as co-therapists. When parents participate in changing the family dynamic, change is much more likely and lasting than if we just meet with the child for one hour a week.

So, the idea is to do a very brief phone interview with the therapist and often, that gives you a sense of who they are, etc. I know it can take some time but it’s worth it. However, in spite of doing a preliminary screening (with the phone call), I would encourage you to still be picky even after therapy begins. The therapist should be able to establish a good rapport very quickly with the client(s). Clients should feel listened to, understood, and cared for. Clients should also feel that they are gaining insight and learning things that can help him do things differently for a better outcome. Some therapists are good, sympathetic listeners but don’t offer much more than that. My husband calls that “Rent-a-Friend.” Therapy is too big an investment to settle for something that doesn’t lead to the change you’re seeking.

Although it can be a hassle, in my opinion, it is better to shop around and even better to do a bit of trial and error, as needed, to find the best fit. Therapy is a strange profession, I’m afraid. There are some very helpful therapists out there, but there are some pretty strange ones, too. Maybe we’re all a little weird . The profession tends to be quite liberal in terms of social agendas, political correctness, and permissiveness, so you want to watch for that. Certainly, not all therapists follow that path, but that’s another reason it really is important to find a therapist that shares, or at least respects, your values framework.

Participating in therapy is an intensely personal experience. You have the right—and the need—to feel that you are in safe, caring, respectful, and skilled hands. Sometimes that can be found on a provider list, sometimes it can’t.

I am also regularly asked about choosing psychiatrists. Personally, although they differ, too, since psychiatrists mostly practice psychopharmacology (prescribing and regulating medications), with little counseling involved, I wouldn’t be as worried about choosing a psychiatrist.

Good luck.

Note: Just FYI, with today’s technology, I am taking more out-of-state clients than ever before. Phone call appointments have worked for many clients. Others prefer Skype or G-chat video appointments.

“Plan(s)” appears in the standard works (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price) 34 times.  Notable uses of the word include the following:

The Plan of Redemption

The Plan of the Great Creator

The Plan of our God

The Great and Eternal Plan of Deliverance from Death

The Plan of Restoration

The Plan of Salvation

–and President Boyd K. Packer’s favorite—

The Great Plan of Happiness.

Other uses of the word, include (I won’t dignify the following with capitalization):

the cunning plan of the evil one, and

the secret plans of Gadianton.

On the other hand, the word “prepare” is found in scripture 270 times. So, what’s the difference between planning and preparing?

Let’s consider the following definitions:

PLAN—to arrange a method or scheme beforehand for any work, enterprise, or proceeding (dictionary.com), or, to devise or project the realization or achievement of  (merriam-webster.com)

PREPARE—to put in proper condition or readiness (dictionary.com), or, to make ready beforehand for some purpose, or, to put in a proper state of mind (merriam-webster.com)

Do you see the difference? It seems to me that planning assumes that we can control the various elements required to bring to pass our goals. Preparing, on the other hand, seems to focus on the single element we can control—ourselves. To me, planning also seems to indicate that we have a time-frame in mind. Preparing seems to minimize the time aspect.

Of course, I’m not suggesting that we never make plans. But when it comes to the life’s essentials, I believe our focus should be on preparation.

Quick example: I spoke with a young woman whose boyfriend, a returned missionary, was currently without his temple recommend and on Church probation. He had serious concerns about the last days, however, and was learning how to store and use black powder, in case he needed it for defense sometime in the future. You could say he was planning ahead but he wasn’t at all prepared. By the way, when the Wasatch Fault goes, it could swallow up our food storage in an earthquake. That doesn’t mean that part of our preparation should not include storing food. Of course, we should, it’s a directive from the prophets of God. BUT our safety is not in the food storage, it’s in our preparation through obedience to all of God’s commandments, so that we are worthy of the promises He has given the faithful, the prepared. That young man would have been wiser to attend to his return to full fellowship and getting temple worthy than messing with black powder.

Just a thought . . . .

There are two scriptures that have long troubled me that I would appreciate your perspective on. The scriptures are:  Alma 34:34 and Mormon 9:14.

Alma 34:34: Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world.

Moroni 9:14: And then cometh the judgment of the Holy One upon them; and then cometh the time that he that is filthy shall be filthy still; and he that is righteous shall be righteous still; he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life.  I keep them at bay because I am intelligent and rational.  I consistently do all those things that I know will promote good mental and spiritual health.  I have many friends, a wonderful husband and 5 great children.  I would have to say though, that I never completely break out of that depression and anxiety box; I stay at the top when I’m on top of things, but cruise in the middle too often.  I have found that the older I get (I’m now in my mid-fifties) the harder it is to stay on top. My struggle is not situational; I have the usual life challenges but not more or less than the average LDS woman.  I see trends of similar weaknesses in both of my brothers.  Our father (deceased) was an alcoholic who probably self-medicated.

I often wonder how we are to tell the difference between weaknesses that we should view as “thorns in the side” or biological inheritances that we are meant mostly to manage in this life, and weaknesses that, through Christ and the Atonement, we are capable of conquering in this life.  I have contemplated, analyzed fasted and prayed over this weakness for over 40 years, and it still lingers, especially the anxiety.

I understand that Alma 34:34 is talking about sin, but knowing that our same spirit will rise with us, and that unhappiness will follow us is a haunting prospect for someone with depression and anxiety.

What are your thoughts about how issues like depression, anxiety and other mental health concerns are resolved as we crossover from this life to the next?

ANSWER

I am so sorry to hear of your concerns. In my opinion, you don’t have to worry at all about depression continuing into the hereafter.

Let’s consider another scriptural promise about the hereafter.

Revelation 20:4 (emphasis added): And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

So the question becomes, about whom is God talking in each of the scriptures cited?

Looking at the scriptures as a body of work that teaches about the Plan of Salvation, I think it’s safe to say the following—and you did ask for my perspective :

1. In Alma 34, God is speaking of repentance. Thus, those who have a repentant spirit will repent here in their probationary estate and be in pretty good shape to complete the process during the millennium. Those who do not have a repentant spirit may think they can procrastinate the day of their repentance (see verses 33 and 35, just before and after this one) but will find they have the same unrepentant spirit in the spirit world as they do here. It will be “everlastingly too late” (Helaman 13:38) for them.
2. The verse in Moroni 9 also needs to be taken in context. God is talking about judgment and making two basic divisions, labeling them in different ways, but it’s not 4 groups he’s talking about, it’s 2. God often divides people in two broad categories: righteous and unrighteous, clean and unclean, sheep and goats, wheat and tares, happy and unhappy. I personally believe that he’s talking about the kind of happiness that comes with joining the ranks of the Savior (as in “We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er, happy are we. . . .”, Hymns #250).
3. While righteous living certainly does not always correspond in this life with happiness (e.g. see the lives of the prophets ancient and modern), those who qualify for being righteous, clean, sheep, and wheat will also be in the group that is happy—filled with joy—forever (see Rev 20:4 above). If doing all that we can to live the gospel in this life still could leave us feeling depressed or anxious forever, personally, I don’t think I would have signed up for that plan. But I don’t believe that’s even an option. I think, if we choose Christ, happiness and a fullness of joy are our eternal promise.

If I understand correctly, you are also asking if depression and anxiety are weaknesses that we need to conquer through Christ’s atonement in this life or the “thorn in the flesh” weaknesses that we just need to manage and endure. In my opinion, we don’t need to distinguish between those things because I think the only difference is in timing and that is not ours to know. What I mean is that, as the Lord teaches us in Ether 12:27, “I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” I think all weaknesses create a challenge that is like a “thorn in the flesh” that needs to be managed until through Christ, those weaknesses are healed and made strong. Sometimes that happens in mortality and some will be finished up during the Millennium. I think we may underestimate how many mortal challenges will be resolved in that thousand-year period. The Millennium is still part of the Second Estate, a probationary period, and I agree with a friend of mine who once told me that she thought one reason the Millennium was going to be 1000 years long was that it would take that much family therapy for anyone to be fit for the kingdom. (My husband, Chris, and I used to think that we might need to change professions and become teachers or farmers in the Millennium, but looks like job security right up till Final Judgment.) Joking aside, I really do believe that the Millennium will be a healing time, a completion time, a generous part of the Plan that allows for God’s promise to be fulfilled “that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life” (Alma 29:4) including the desire to be happy and at peace.

Let me also mention that while, at this time of your life, you may not feel your life is any more stressful than “average,” it may be that there are some unresolved hurts or challenges from earlier in life that have never been fully addressed. And anxiety is pretty much always associated with the need to be in control and generally grows out of difficult times when we felt/feel out of control. I recognize that some individuals seem to be more genetically predisposed to depression and anxiety than others but more often than not, there are ways to minimize depression and anxiety with good quality counseling support.

In any event, I truly believe that for all of us who desire to please God and manifest that desire day-to-day in sincere efforts to be acceptable to Him, though we fall far short of perfection, complete happiness, and peace in this life, we will be happy, full of joy, and full of peace in the world to come.

Best wishes.

NOTE: I am working on a book about dealing with hurts and anger that discusses depression and healing. I’m not sure when it will be finished (my schedule is a little nuts) but I hope for a release sometime in 2011.

There are at least two potential problems with advice-giving. First, it attempts to move the person in pain prematurely forward to rational problem-solving. Most of us are aware that when in the grip of strong emotion, it’s difficult to think all that rationally, so it’s not really a good idea to consider solutions until after the emotions have been released and lessened in intensity. And if problem-solving precedes emotional support, feelings are likely to be pushed aside, triggering the multitude of problems associated with repressed anger (including depression, anxiety, and a host of physical ailments). Obvious exceptions should be treated with common sense. Sometimes the person coming to us with a problem is looking for a quick thought or feedback. Trying to engage that friend in a discussion about deep feelings would be unnecessary and ridiculous. If we’re not sure what our friend is seeking—listening or quick feedback—we should ask and then respond appropriately.

However, the careful observer will start to recognize that much of the time, probably most of the time, what people want from us is not advice, it’s understanding and sympathy. When I discussed this in one of my classes at BYU, one semester, a young man, Rick, raised his hand and said, “I finally get it.” He went on to tell about something that had puzzled him for years. When in high school, Rick dated Kristy for a while. Rick said that he always tried to be a great boyfriend. He would help Kristy take care of her car, filling it with gas, making sure the tires were good and properly inflated. He would wash and even detail the car every so often. Kristy’s school locker wasn’t opening well, so Rick fiddled with the mechanism and judiciously applied some WD-40 until it worked smoothly. He felt good about taking care of Kristy. Then one day, Kristy called Rick after school and was really upset. She and her sister had argued about something and Kristy was so hurt and angry that Rick could hardly understand her through her tears. When she paused for a breath, Rick tried to calmly and soothingly suggest how she could deal with the problem—he wanted to fix things for Kristy. Kristy interrupted him with a sharp and loud, “Don’t say anything! Just listen to me!” Rick held the phone a little distance from his ear as Kristy semi-shouted through her tears for maybe 20 minutes. Every once in a while, Kristy would pause and ask, “Are you still there?” Rick always replied, “Sure. I’m listening.” Then Kristy too a deep breath and asked, in a more normal tone, “So are you going to be home for a while?” Rick said he wasn’t going anywhere. About an hour later, Kristy showed up at his door with a huge plate of his favorite cookies and said, “You are the BEST boyfriend.” As Rick smiled wryly in our classroom, he said, “Till now, I never knew what I did right!”

Frankly, men are sometimes at a disadvantage in this area because their roles are so often about solving problems. Every job, when you think about it, is about solving problems and the better and quicker that the worker solves the problem, the more opportunity for reward and advancement. Even when a man comes home from work, he is often asked to take care of problems around the house. A husband may come home from work to be greeted by his wife with, “My car isn’t starting very well.” She probably doesn’t want him to respond with, “Well, how do you feel about that, dear?” She wants him to take care of it, to solve the problem. So another day he comes home to an upset wife who says, “My mother called today and she makes me so upset I can’t stand it!” He may automatically jump in to solve the problem with something like, “Well, don’t take her calls any more.” His wife may get even more upset: “Don’t tell me not to talk to my mother! I can’t do that. Why would you even suggest such a thing?” And now the husband scratches his head in confusion, thinking, “I’m just trying to help with her problem. Why is she mad at me, now?”

While men seem to be the most likely to immediately jump to problem-solving, women also struggle with this automatic response. Whether full time at home taking care of children and family, all day, or whether in a work setting, women get used to solving problems, also. If we really want to become better and more effective resources for helping others process their feelings, we need to stop problem solving and start listening to and accepting feelings.

NOTE: The above is an excerpt from the new book I am writing on dealing with anger.

AND–I apologize for not posting for the last couple of weeks. We were out of town for 12 days and I returned home sick, so catching up has been even more challenging than usual. Thanks for reading.

My husband and I have two little boys and a baby on the way. I am especially concerned about my son who just turned four.  He is physically healthy and strong for his age and looks like he is two years older than he really is.  He is a loving brother and smart boy, however, at times he is defiant and sometimes gets out-of-control with aggression if I follow through with him in any physical way.  He has always been a demanding child compared with his brother and other children I see.  It seems like the first four months of his life he was either crying or sleeping.  Of course, I was a first time parent and trying to figure things out myself.  I have wanted to talk with a doctor who specializes in these things, but my husband doesn’t want him getting a label (ADHD—Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ODD—Oppositional Defiant Disorder, etc.) that he would have to live with and he feels like I just need to be a better parent.  I am trying to be more consistent with him and “make it worth his while” but I feel like I need to do more. There are so many different ideas about parenting that someone will always say whatever I am doing is wrong.

ANSWER

Lili: Some kids are definitely more challenging than others from birth. There seem to be some kids who are more naturally defiant and less responsive to normal parenting practice. Of course, I don’t know exactly where your son is on the spectrum. He sounds fairly challenging. However, I do understand your husband’s concern about acquiring a negative label for your son.

So–a few thoughts:

1-Parenting with Love and Logic is a solid parenting approach. There is a book and there may be classes available as well. Some kids “give us the opportunity” to really take our parenting efforts to the next level.

2-While I understand your husband’s concerns about labeling, if he wants to address your son’s behavior in the home then he needs to play an active role in addressing a difficult parenting situation. Fathers should be involved in discipline anyway and a challenging child definitely needs the combined efforts of both mom and dad. He needs to be very involved, including backing you up in your efforts, handling discipline himself whenever possible, following up on emphasizing and supporting your efforts to teach and correct, and one-on-one time for the two of them, to give you both a break.

3- Especially with a difficult child, it’s easy to get too negative. Say yes whenever you can. Even when correcting behavior, try to state it positively instead of negatively.

4-Build the relationship. Try to generate positive interaction with your son. Do fun things together. Further, we’ve got to make deposits before we can make withdrawals. If the relationship is too strained or conflicted, everything becomes a battle. And long after we realize we’ll never control our kids (control shouldn’t be the goal, anyway), if we have a positive relationship, we’ll have influence.

5-When you do need to say no, try not to let anger take over but hold the line.

6-Of course, pray individually and as a couple for ideas, direction, and patience in dealing with your son. God knows what your son needs and what you need as parents in order for all of you to successfully progress.

Chris adds: Never underestimate the value of stubbornness on the part of the parent.  A strong-willed child sometimes gains power by just waiting a little longer than the parents, to get what they want.  Going into a disciplinary situation with a child takes a lot of patience and commitment and a willingness to see it through. The goal at that time should be to focus on the child’s behavior and provide corrective measures for the sake of the child.  I agree that anger is not helpful. When the child senses parental anger, they usually see their negative behavior as getting a payoff. Taking time to regain our control and focus on the target behavior can make the difference. Patience with him and with yourself is key.

Good luck to all of you from both of us.

I struggle with eating disorders. My brother-in-law does not believe that mental disorders and problems are any different from physical problems. We had quite a discussion over Christmas and things have been very uncomfortable between us ever since.
His daughter has a learning disability and his wife (my sister) is deaf in one ear. He told me that they know these things about themselves and filter their everyday experiences through this knowledge and compensate accordingly (my sister turns her head to the right when someone is speaking to her, his daughter sits up front in school and uses a tutor). He tells me that I need to do the same thing and there really is no such thing as a “mental disorder.” His idea is that when I go to eat I should know that I have a problem and compensate by taking 2-3 times what I think would be an appropriate serving and eat that. I tried to explain to him that my mind won’t let me eat that much and if I did I would freak out! He yelled at me and said I was making it all up to get attention.

How do I solve this? He has since sent me an e-mail saying whenever I attend family functions I end up making everyone upset, so I have kept my distance. Now he is mad at me because my LACK of participation hurts everyone’s feelings. I am SOOOOO confused on every level of this situation and don’t quite know what to do. Any advice???

ANSWER

Chris:

Mental problems are different from physical problems in some ways. They are often more difficult to diagnose and to treat and they are much easier to deny. In other ways, however, physical problems are similar to mental problems. They both impair functioning and it’s true that the individual with the problem can learn to compensate for those challenges.

Your brother-in-law seems to have expressed his opinion in an adversarial manner, which is never helpful. What I really don’t understand, though, is how he is supposedly able to speak for the whole family (saying you are making everyone uncomfortable) OR why you feel a need to listen to him.  My guess is that there are other family members that you can talk to and get their feelings regarding the situation.

All of this however begs the question.  If you have an eating disorder, what your family thinks of things is the least of your worries.  Getting some help and progressing, even if it is small steps to begin with, is more important than what family or friends think.  It would be helpful to not get distracted by others’ input and instead focus on what needs to be done by you, for yourself.
Good luck.

Lili:

I agree that your brother-in-law’s approach was, to say the least, ineffective. Yelling at you, telling you that you’re making everyone uncomfortable, and then telling you off for staying away from family events—not helpful.

However, a few things to consider:

1. Why are you giving your brother-in-law the power to separate you from the rest of your family? For you to stay away from family functions probably is hurtful to your parents and at least some of your other family members.
2. Everyone has weaknesses, challenges, and/or hang-ups of one kind or another. We can sometimes fall into the trap of letting that “label” define and limit us. Many years ago, before I ever went back to graduate school and started counseling, I knew a reading specialist who was asked if he was able to help dyslexics. His answer: “Sure. Dyslexics need to read, too.” That answer impressed me greatly. I see the importance of resisting the tendency to consider that being bipolar, or depressed, or anorexic means we can’t learn to manage those challenges and improve our functioning. That’s not to dismiss the very real difficulties involved, but “Sure. Anorexics need to—and can learn to—handle family get-togethers, too.”
3. There are ways to address our challenges. Eating disorders do not just go away on their own and we can’t ignore them or force them out of our lives. It sounds like your brother-in-law may be vastly over-simplifying the situation. You can’t just sit at the front of the class or turn your right ear to people and fit right in. However, there are clinics, there are counselors, or—if cost is an issue—there are books that can help us. Another no-cost option that I would highly recommend is finding and attending an Addiction Recovery Program group. ARP groups are sponsored by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) and are available all over Utah and in more and more areas outside Utah. You can find groups on the lds.org website. Check out this LINK for information about the ARP program and how to get involved. The twelve steps approach can successfully be applied to eating disorders.

Best wishes.

A therapist friend recently said not to give teens consequences for misbehaviors, but to process with them their fears that lead to misbehavior. He said this is the recent philosophy.

An example:
Our son, “Josh,” called from a friend’s house on New Year’s Eve and asked to sleep over, saying the parents had gone to bed, but were there. We agreed to the sleep over. The next day I called him to pick him up, no answer. I called the parents; they were out of town. My husband and I first discussed with Josh our disappointment that he would lie (I cried a bit) and his responsibility to Heavenly Father as a priesthood holder. Josh was defiant, stating he didn’t get why I would cry. We didn’t yell, but consequences were stiff: no phone, no sleepovers, no friends for a period of time.

During this time Josh and I had discussions about why he lied. He knew I would never let him have a sleepover without supervision. I helped him bring out his feelings about his desire to be accepted. This particular friend is quite popular. Josh said that while he was lying the Spirit touched him and he felt guilty but he chose to lie. He told me how bad he felt and we discussed the power of repentance.

My question- my husband has heard you speak and he remembers your saying something like there is only one way of really effective parenting: the Lord’s way. He interpreted that to be that God gives rules and consequences. He remembered your saying that many fads of disciplining children come and go, but stick to God’s plan.

We had a small disagreement after I discussed my friend’s viewpoint. What do you think?

ANSWER

Although I do believe there really is basically one way to parent well and that is the Lord’s way (as I believe there is basically one way to have a good marriage and one way to live), that’s not to say that there isn’t a range within that one way and some need for flexibility.

That said, I don’t understand people who say there shouldn’t be consequences for misbehavior. In the eternal scheme of things, there are always consequences. The laws of physics say the same thing (for every action there is a equal and opposite reaction). And I think failing to impose consequences for lying sends a scary message. Of course, there is a big difference between imposing consequences and getting super-angry and punishing. The relationship is important and I completely agree with the approach of discussing what went on, what the kid was thinking, showing love, understanding, etc., etc., etc. But that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t still be a consequence. It just shouldn’t be done in the heat of anger or to vent our frustrations. It should be a natural consequence, where possible (and it’s often not possible), otherwise, a logical consequence. If a child lies to us, I think it’s logical to withdraw some privileges associated with trust. And then, there may need to be some pretty consistent verification of things for a while until he has established a good track record of complete honesty.

Frankly, to me, lying is HUGE. God is a God of truth. Lies are so offensive to Him. And it’s not hard to see why. How do you have any kind of meaningful relationship with someone who isn’t truthful with you? I remember David O. McKay saying that trust is more important than love. That makes perfect sense to me. So, I think it’s incredibly important to send a strong message about how crucial honesty is. Again, that doesn’t excuse harsh or punitive measures, but I do believe that consequences are definitely in order. Check out Alma 42–the whole chapter–for a great explanation of why there are consequences for sin.

BTW, I am seldom too impressed by the current philosophies in marriage and family relations. Some ideas can be interesting, I suppose, but, when it comes to parenting ideas for instance, we are in such a permissive mode as a society that we need to be extremely cautious. Neal A. Maxwell warned,

“The more what is politically correct seeks to replace what God has declared correct, the more ineffective approaches to human problems there will be, all reminding us of C. S. Lewis’s metaphor about those who run around with fire extinguishers in times of flood. For instance, there are increasing numbers of victims of violence and crime, yet special attention is paid to the rights of criminals. Accompanying an ever-increasing addiction to pornography are loud alarms against censorship. Rising illegitimacy destroys families and threatens the funding capacities of governments; nevertheless, chastity and fidelity are mocked. These and other consequences produce a harsh cacophony. When Nero fiddled as Rome burned, at least he made a little music! I HAVE NO HESITANCY, BROTHERS AND SISTERS, IN STATING THAT UNLESS CHECKED, PERMISSIVENESS, BY THE END OF ITS JOURNEY, WILL CAUSE HUMANITY TO STARE IN MUTE DISBELIEF AT ITS AWFUL CONSEQUENCES.

Ironically, as some people become harder, they use softer words to describe dark deeds.” (Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Becometh As a Child’,” Ensign, May 1996, 68, emphasis added.)

That last sentence is important to me, too. Lying is a hard term, but it’s so important not to minimize–or soften–how seriously offensive to God it is and how destructive it is to all our relationships. ALL THIS, however, can and should be done in the context of a strong, loving relationship with our kids. So it sounds like your discussion with Josh was good and strengthened your relationship. That’s always a positive. It’s just also essential that the message is delivered clearly and, in my opinion, God is clear on the fact that consequences are an eternal reality. In fact, a big part of parenting, in my opinion, is that—within the context of a strong, positive, loving relationship—we need to make it worth our children’s while, through the use of consequences, for our children to harness their own natural man.

Carry on.