My husband and I have two little boys and a baby on the way. I am especially concerned about my son who just turned four.  He is physically healthy and strong for his age and looks like he is two years older than he really is.  He is a loving brother and smart boy, however, at times he is defiant and sometimes gets out-of-control with aggression if I follow through with him in any physical way.  He has always been a demanding child compared with his brother and other children I see.  It seems like the first four months of his life he was either crying or sleeping.  Of course, I was a first time parent and trying to figure things out myself.  I have wanted to talk with a doctor who specializes in these things, but my husband doesn’t want him getting a label (ADHD—Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ODD—Oppositional Defiant Disorder, etc.) that he would have to live with and he feels like I just need to be a better parent.  I am trying to be more consistent with him and “make it worth his while” but I feel like I need to do more. There are so many different ideas about parenting that someone will always say whatever I am doing is wrong.

ANSWER

Lili: Some kids are definitely more challenging than others from birth. There seem to be some kids who are more naturally defiant and less responsive to normal parenting practice. Of course, I don’t know exactly where your son is on the spectrum. He sounds fairly challenging. However, I do understand your husband’s concern about acquiring a negative label for your son.

So–a few thoughts:

1-Parenting with Love and Logic is a solid parenting approach. There is a book and there may be classes available as well. Some kids “give us the opportunity” to really take our parenting efforts to the next level.

2-While I understand your husband’s concerns about labeling, if he wants to address your son’s behavior in the home then he needs to play an active role in addressing a difficult parenting situation. Fathers should be involved in discipline anyway and a challenging child definitely needs the combined efforts of both mom and dad. He needs to be very involved, including backing you up in your efforts, handling discipline himself whenever possible, following up on emphasizing and supporting your efforts to teach and correct, and one-on-one time for the two of them, to give you both a break.

3- Especially with a difficult child, it’s easy to get too negative. Say yes whenever you can. Even when correcting behavior, try to state it positively instead of negatively.

4-Build the relationship. Try to generate positive interaction with your son. Do fun things together. Further, we’ve got to make deposits before we can make withdrawals. If the relationship is too strained or conflicted, everything becomes a battle. And long after we realize we’ll never control our kids (control shouldn’t be the goal, anyway), if we have a positive relationship, we’ll have influence.

5-When you do need to say no, try not to let anger take over but hold the line.

6-Of course, pray individually and as a couple for ideas, direction, and patience in dealing with your son. God knows what your son needs and what you need as parents in order for all of you to successfully progress.

Chris adds: Never underestimate the value of stubbornness on the part of the parent.  A strong-willed child sometimes gains power by just waiting a little longer than the parents, to get what they want.  Going into a disciplinary situation with a child takes a lot of patience and commitment and a willingness to see it through. The goal at that time should be to focus on the child’s behavior and provide corrective measures for the sake of the child.  I agree that anger is not helpful. When the child senses parental anger, they usually see their negative behavior as getting a payoff. Taking time to regain our control and focus on the target behavior can make the difference. Patience with him and with yourself is key.

Good luck to all of you from both of us.

I struggle with eating disorders. My brother-in-law does not believe that mental disorders and problems are any different from physical problems. We had quite a discussion over Christmas and things have been very uncomfortable between us ever since.
His daughter has a learning disability and his wife (my sister) is deaf in one ear. He told me that they know these things about themselves and filter their everyday experiences through this knowledge and compensate accordingly (my sister turns her head to the right when someone is speaking to her, his daughter sits up front in school and uses a tutor). He tells me that I need to do the same thing and there really is no such thing as a “mental disorder.” His idea is that when I go to eat I should know that I have a problem and compensate by taking 2-3 times what I think would be an appropriate serving and eat that. I tried to explain to him that my mind won’t let me eat that much and if I did I would freak out! He yelled at me and said I was making it all up to get attention.

How do I solve this? He has since sent me an e-mail saying whenever I attend family functions I end up making everyone upset, so I have kept my distance. Now he is mad at me because my LACK of participation hurts everyone’s feelings. I am SOOOOO confused on every level of this situation and don’t quite know what to do. Any advice???

ANSWER

Chris:

Mental problems are different from physical problems in some ways. They are often more difficult to diagnose and to treat and they are much easier to deny. In other ways, however, physical problems are similar to mental problems. They both impair functioning and it’s true that the individual with the problem can learn to compensate for those challenges.

Your brother-in-law seems to have expressed his opinion in an adversarial manner, which is never helpful. What I really don’t understand, though, is how he is supposedly able to speak for the whole family (saying you are making everyone uncomfortable) OR why you feel a need to listen to him.  My guess is that there are other family members that you can talk to and get their feelings regarding the situation.

All of this however begs the question.  If you have an eating disorder, what your family thinks of things is the least of your worries.  Getting some help and progressing, even if it is small steps to begin with, is more important than what family or friends think.  It would be helpful to not get distracted by others’ input and instead focus on what needs to be done by you, for yourself.
Good luck.

Lili:

I agree that your brother-in-law’s approach was, to say the least, ineffective. Yelling at you, telling you that you’re making everyone uncomfortable, and then telling you off for staying away from family events—not helpful.

However, a few things to consider:

1. Why are you giving your brother-in-law the power to separate you from the rest of your family? For you to stay away from family functions probably is hurtful to your parents and at least some of your other family members.
2. Everyone has weaknesses, challenges, and/or hang-ups of one kind or another. We can sometimes fall into the trap of letting that “label” define and limit us. Many years ago, before I ever went back to graduate school and started counseling, I knew a reading specialist who was asked if he was able to help dyslexics. His answer: “Sure. Dyslexics need to read, too.” That answer impressed me greatly. I see the importance of resisting the tendency to consider that being bipolar, or depressed, or anorexic means we can’t find learn to manage those challenges and improve our functioning. That’s not to dismiss the very real difficulties involved, but “Sure. Anorexics need to—and can learn to—handle family get-togethers, too.”
3. There are ways to address our challenges. Eating disorders do not just go away on their own and we can’t ignore them or force them out of our lives. It sounds like your brother-in-law may be vastly over-simplifying the situation. You can’t just sit at the front of the class or turn your right ear to people and fit right in. However, there are clinics, there are counselors, or—if cost is an issue—there are books that can help us. Another no-cost option that I would highly recommend is finding and attending an Addiction Recovery Program group. ARP groups are sponsored by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) and are available all over Utah and in more and more areas outside Utah. You can find groups on the lds.org website. Check out this LINK for information about the ARP program and how to get involved. The twelve steps approach can successfully be applied to eating disorders.

Best wishes.

A therapist friend recently said not to give teens consequences for misbehaviors, but to process with them their fears that lead to misbehavior. He said this is the recent philosophy.

An example:
Our son, “Josh,” called from a friend’s house on New Year’s Eve and asked to sleep over, saying the parents had gone to bed, but were there. We agreed to the sleep over. The next day I called him to pick him up, no answer. I called the parents; they were out of town. My husband and I first discussed with Josh our disappointment that he would lie (I cried a bit) and his responsibility to Heavenly Father as a priesthood holder. Josh was defiant, stating he didn’t get why I would cry. We didn’t yell, but consequences were stiff: no phone, no sleepovers, no friends for a period of time.

During this time Josh and I had discussions about why he lied. He knew I would never let him have a sleepover without supervision. I helped him bring out his feelings about his desire to be accepted. This particular friend is quite popular. Josh said that while he was lying the Spirit touched him and he felt guilty but he chose to lie. He told me how bad he felt and we discussed the power of repentance.

My question- my husband has heard you speak and he remembers your saying something like there is only one way of really effective parenting: the Lord’s way. He interpreted that to be that God gives rules and consequences. He remembered your saying that many fads of disciplining children come and go, but stick to God’s plan.

We had a small disagreement after I discussed my friend’s viewpoint. What do you think?

ANSWER

Although I do believe there really is basically one way to parent well and that is the Lord’s way (as I believe there is basically one way to have a good marriage and one way to live), that’s not to say that there isn’t a range within that one way and some need for flexibility.

That said, I don’t understand people who say there shouldn’t be consequences for misbehavior. In the eternal scheme of things, there are always consequences. The laws of physics say the same thing (for every action there is a equal and opposite reaction). And I think failing to impose consequences for lying sends a scary message. Of course, there is a big difference between imposing consequences and getting super-angry and punishing. The relationship is important and I completely agree with the approach of discussing what went on, what the kid was thinking, showing love, understanding, etc., etc., etc. But that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t still be a consequence. It just shouldn’t be done in the heat of anger or to vent our frustrations. It should be a natural consequence, where possible (and it’s often not possible), otherwise, a logical consequence. If a child lies to us, I think it’s logical to withdraw some privileges associated with trust. And then, there may need to be some pretty consistent verification of things for a while until he has established a good track record of complete honesty.

Frankly, to me, lying is HUGE. God is a God of truth. Lies are so offensive to Him. And it’s not hard to see why. How do you have any kind of meaningful relationship with someone who isn’t truthful with you? I remember David O. McKay saying that trust is more important than love. That makes perfect sense to me. So, I think it’s incredibly important to send a strong message about how crucial honesty is. Again, that doesn’t excuse harsh or punitive measures, but I do believe that consequences are definitely in order. Check out Alma 42–the whole chapter–for a great explanation of why there are consequences for sin.

BTW, I am seldom too impressed by the current philosophies in marriage and family relations. Some ideas can be interesting, I suppose, but, when it comes to parenting ideas for instance, we are in such a permissive mode as a society that we need to be extremely cautious. Neal A. Maxwell warned,

“The more what is politically correct seeks to replace what God has declared correct, the more ineffective approaches to human problems there will be, all reminding us of C. S. Lewis’s metaphor about those who run around with fire extinguishers in times of flood. For instance, there are increasing numbers of victims of violence and crime, yet special attention is paid to the rights of criminals. Accompanying an ever-increasing addiction to pornography are loud alarms against censorship. Rising illegitimacy destroys families and threatens the funding capacities of governments; nevertheless, chastity and fidelity are mocked. These and other consequences produce a harsh cacophony. When Nero fiddled as Rome burned, at least he made a little music! I HAVE NO HESITANCY, BROTHERS AND SISTERS, IN STATING THAT UNLESS CHECKED, PERMISSIVENESS, BY THE END OF ITS JOURNEY, WILL CAUSE HUMANITY TO STARE IN MUTE DISBELIEF AT ITS AWFUL CONSEQUENCES.

Ironically, as some people become harder, they use softer words to describe dark deeds.” (Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Becometh As a Child’,” Ensign, May 1996, 68, emphasis added.)

That last sentence is important to me, too. Lying is a hard term, but it’s so important not to minimize–or soften–how seriously offensive to God it is and how destructive it is to all our relationships. ALL THIS, however, can and should be done in the context of a strong, loving relationship with our kids. So it sounds like your discussion with Josh was good and strengthened your relationship. That’s always a positive. It’s just also essential that the message is delivered clearly and, in my opinion, God is clear on the fact that consequences are an eternal reality. In fact, a big part of parenting, in my opinion, is that—within the context of a strong, positive, loving relationship—we need to make it worth our children’s while, through the use of consequences, for our children to harness their own natural man.

Carry on.

I read your BYU-I devotional on the 3 realms. I am dealing with a husband, “John,” with a pornography addiction. I turned completely to the Lord and He has taken me on a journey that has included a 13 month separation, 6 months together, then I left (I thought for good). The Lord sent me back home 4 months ago, but we’re still separated. (I don’t believe in divorce or separation -unless the Lord says to.)
We have gone to LDS Family Services. We finally got him to commit to individual counseling but we still cannot talk without him blaming me for problems. Counselors say they have to be careful because John can’t handle confrontation. The Lord has blessed me to not be reactive anymore. My husband thinks he is totally acceptable to the Lord, even with how he treats me. He has never quit going to church, praying, reading scriptures, going to temple

Some specific issues:

1.     John is constantly aligning the kids against me. (He buys them things and indulges them and when I try to draw lines—like requiring a daughter to be responsible for wrecking her car, or setting rules for a teenage son’s driving—John makes it clear he doesn’t agree and I’m the “bad guy.”

2.     He has never put me on his insurance (he and the kids are covered).

3.     We get along fine if we don’t talk about his problems, disciplining, money, or anything of importance.

4.     The kids don’t listen to me because they see John will not listen to me.

5.     John says the Lord has told him it’s time to come home now. I don’t feel that and when I told him, he tried using threats and force.

Any Terrestrial Boundaries I can set? Or any other suggestions?

Thanks.

ANSWER

Chris: If in fact you are truly non-reactive, you have reached a significant milestone in this relationship.  However, I think it must be extremely difficult to not react to his behavior, particularly behaviors that have been talked about, with commitments made, and then those commitments are not honored. He says it’s time to come back home in spite of his not keeping his promises—his behavior at night, his refusing to negotiate on what he does with the children, and not having you on his insurance, to list just a few.

Two things come to mind.  First, I would make and prioritize a list of things that are totally within his power to do, and wait until he does it before letting him come back home. Putting you on his insurance, for me, would be at the top of the list.  If there are other things that can go on that list, put them on, then wait until he comes through.  If you are non-reactive, you’ll be able to wait while he works through some of these issues, but you won’t have to feel bad that you don’t agree to let him come home.  Second, on some of the children issues, use of cars, etc, perhaps an agreed upon third party counselor/bishop/whomever, could create a “binding arbitration” situation where you both agreed to the decision.  There seems to be so much disagreement between the two of you on many of these things, that I’m not sure the relationship is able to work many of these issues out.

One note of caution, if you really are serious about getting this relationship back on stable ground, you had better find things that are positive that you can comment on and build upon.  It is so easy to stay in a negative mode, that positive behavior can go unnoticed, missing an opportunity to build the relationship.

It’s important also that you find a supportive person through this process.  You need a place that you can talk and feel that you are heard.  A trusted friend or church leader can often help in this.

May the Lord bless you in your trials and efforts.

Lili: I agree with Chris on all the above. The things you are asking him to do are appropriate terrestrial boundaries—addressing (and giving up) his pornography addiction, honoring his obligation to provide, including putting you on his insurance, supporting you as a parent, etc. Often, the trick is enforcing those boundaries but, given the long-term nature and the severity of the issues, it is not inappropriate to continue the separation until you see concrete changes and they are sustained over time.

About the kids—it is natural for children to side with the more indulgent, less demanding parent. However, your kids are old enough now that you can sit down with them singly or together (and this will undoubtedly have to happen numerous times) to talk with them about what you are trying to help them learn and why it will be worth it to them to learn it. Make sure these aren’t lectures or fights but create a positive moment and share your desires for them to learn personal self-control and delayed gratification so they can have, at least, a good terrestrial life, with the option to go further. Point out that where you differ with their father, it is all about helping them to learn and live those principles so they can have successful lives. Point out the benefits of those patterns and point out examples of what happens when people fail to develop those consistent patterns. You don’t have to bash anyone—and shouldn’t—but you can point out which behaviors work and which don’t. There are always plenty of examples around us. And remember, we can’t influence our children unless we have a strong, positive relationship with them. If the relationships have become strained, spend time and energy to build them up again. It may take some time, maybe a long time, but in the long run, it’s always worth it.

Very best wishes.

Chris was the pioneer of CISM (Critical Incident Stress Management) in LDS Family Services. While director of the Nevada Agency, he connected with the Red Cross and had his agency certified as disaster mental health workers. (That has quite the ring to it, doesn’t it? Disaster mental health. How would you like to qualify for that designation?) I was in my masters of social work program and Chris scheduled the training so I could get certified, as well. But while I have yet to participate in anything but occasional local assignments, Chris has had lots of interesting experiences and great opportunities to serve.

Chris first accepted the call to help as part of a Red Cross team for two weeks, responding to the Louisville floods. He learned a lot about disaster response. Then just a few months after Chris was transferred to Utah to be the director of the Salt Lake Agency, the Family History Center shooting happened downtown. Within about twenty minutes, Chris had a team over at Abravenal Hall where they were evacuating the library patrons and workers and where concerned family members were congregating. Two weeks later, the Columbine High School shootings happened and Chris was sent—for the first time representing the Church—to Colorado to offer services. Since then, Chris has headed up or participated on teams responding to several hurricanes, the Oklahoma F5 tornado, The World Trade Center attack, and even the Indonesia tsunami.

So when the call came asking if he was interested in going to Haiti, he could cheerfully reply, “I was hoping I could help.” We were visiting our daughter’s family in Southern California when he needed to leave so we ransacked the local Target trying to think of anything and everything that he might need but that wouldn’t be too much to carry. Our daughter, Caitlin, packed up some things from our home in Draper that were taken to the airport for Chris to add to his Target kit when he flew in from the Ontario airport. He didn’t have time to go home. He joined up with the medical team in the airport and they flew to Ft. Lauderdale.

It was a rough trip. With all the limitations and problems of flying into Port-au-Prince, the team ended up being bussed to Miami, taking a commercial flight to Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, and then taking a bus from there into Haiti and to Port-au-Prince. Our communication has been limited to short phone calls on satellite phones that are occasionally passed around. They are short, sometimes garbled, and usually cut off, but I’m grateful for that amazing technology. Unfortunately, I heard yesterday that the sat phones are going home today and Chris will be there for most of next week, so we may not hear too much more from him directly, but he’s well, in good spirits, and happy to be there to help in any way he can. He reports that the doctors and nurses are wonderful people and the Haitian people are grateful. The Haitian members of the Church are particularly wonderful and willing to help with anything, in spite of their own personal tragedies. The most frustrating part, he says, is that things are in such chaos that there is too much wasted time waiting for transportation or dealing with machines or facilities that don’t work as they should. And the whole team hurts from wanting to do more.

I’m glad Chris could be there to help. I’ll be glad when he’s home safe. And I’ll be extra glad when things work out for me to join him on one of those opportunities to serve our fellow men in the face of catastrophe. For now, I can be content to serve my fellow men who are hurting from less dramatic, often less visible troubles.

Last February we found out my brother-in-law had been sexually molesting two of my children this was confirmed by him. In the flurry of activity that followed including reporting the abuse to the police and his excommunication from the church, it was revealed that there has been extensive incest in my husband’s family both between siblings and by the maternal grandfather. This brother-in-law has refused to cooperate with the police and it now appears he will escape punishment.

I have two questions. One is how do I balance forgiveness with making sure this cycle of abuse stops? Second, what can I do in my own home to prevent sexual acting out in my own children who have already been highly sexualized at a young age?

ANSWER

Lili: You ask the right questions. First, it’s important to understand that forgiveness is not really a healthy option until safety has been established. If we forgive when we—or our loved ones—are still in danger, in a way, we are accepting a victim role. So the key issue becomes your unit family’s safety. Remember that your own life and immediate family are the only areas where you can exert some appropriate measure of control. You can’t take on the burden of making sure that your husband’s family of origin and/or extended family stops injurious behaviors and gets on the right path. This is not to say that where crimes have been or are committed that you should not report those activities to the proper authorities—including Church authorities—but, as you have learned first hand, that may or may not prove effective.

So, it is important for you and your husband to counsel together about the amount and type of interaction that you will have with his side of the family, given the circumstances. Some members of his family may be completely on board in taking responsibility to supervise children and make sure that they are safe. Others may be in denial to one degree or another, hoping that if all this is ignored it will eventually go away. In that case, it would not be wise to grant the same kind of access to your children without your direct supervision. Certainly, contact with your brother-in-law, given his choice to avoid responsibility through failing to cooperate with the police, should end. If he ever comes to a place where he takes responsibility and accesses appropriate, professional resources to address his issues, you can revisit that decision. But if we don’t even acknowledge that something is broken, we’re not going to waste time or effort fixing it. Until he acknowledges and takes appropriate responsibility for fixing his problems, he’s not a safe relationship for any child.

If you and your husband don’t agree about how to maintain appropriate boundaries with his side of the family, you may need to speak together with the bishop and/or with a professional counselor to come to a unified decision about how to draw those lines and how to communicate them to his extended family. THEN, when your unit family is safe, forgiveness becomes an available option.

Of course, your second question deals with another kind of safety that has been taken away and has resulted in ongoing problems that arise out of sexual abuse. Let me insert here a response from Chris.

Chris: Sexual victimization creates early sexualization or eroticization, which has to be addressed. This is something that probably needs to be done with the help of a good counselor who has experience working with young abuse victims. It’s important that the therapist and the parents normalize the problem as much as possible, but avoid blowing it out of proportion. This is done by maintaining appropriate behavioral guidelines. The age of the children involved will, of course, impact the processing of this issue and, no matter what the ages involved, this will take a while. You want to walk the balance between knowing those sexual feelings aren’t supposed to be in play yet BUT they’re normal given the circumstances although that doesn’t mean precocious sexual behaviors should be ignored or allowed. Childhood has to be reestablished, as much as possible. This will involve bringing the kids back developmentally and that is generally met with some resistance. It’s not easy, but utilizing good resources—particularly a good counselor who can help the children and help guide you in the process—healing can occur.

Lili: Just another couple of thoughts—first, be sure to talk to your children about what’s going on. It’s always important for victims of abuse to know that it’s not their fault and they didn’t do anything to provoke the abuse. It’s also important for them to know that they aren’t “bad” because they were taught to do things that are inappropriate. But it’s important for them to understand that the abuse gave them a mistaken idea of what kinds of things they should be doing, feeling, or thinking and they just need to learn to feel comfortable being kids again. So you and their dad will help them clear up the confusion of what is okay and what’s not. Then it’s really important not to get upset when you see inappropriate behaviors from the kids—this can send the message that the child is bad. You want to acknowledge that they are still confused about what behaviors are okay and it might take a while for them to get it straight but you’re reminding them and will continue to help them learn what’s best for them.

This is all going to take a while so it may be quite a while before you feel that you and your family are completely safe from the abuser. So if it takes a while before forgiveness is available to you, that’s okay. There’s a big difference between being vengeful and exercising caution. You are not an evil person but a wise one when you carefully and rationally determine what you need to do to keep your family safe, even if this involves limiting or even eliminating contact for a while or indefinitely. When you and your family are safe, forgiveness will come.

Very best wishes in your path toward healing.

FYI: A resource that can be helpful for all parents teaching children about intimacy in age-appropriate ways is The Parent’s Guide. It was put together in the 70s, so it could use some updating, but it remains a useful reference. It’s available from Church Distribution.

This is a video clip of Nicole Johnson, a bestselling author, performer, and motivational speaker. Nicole has faced a number of personal challenges, including the divorce of her parents, childhood loneliness, loved ones with breast cancer and Alzheimer’s disease, and a difficult marriage ending in a painful divorce. Out of these and other experiences, she concludes:

“We live in a world of great beauty and enormous pain. I like to write about the strange way they come together on the shores of hope.”

I hope you’ll enjoy her message.

Worth is a given, declared scripturally and in prophetic pronouncement. It is an eternal truth that we are the spiritual offspring of a Divine Father and that each of us is one of His precious and much-loved sons or daughters, with equal potential and ability to become just as our Father is. Further, the doctrine of the Atonement serves to define us as inherently valuable. “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; For, behold, the Lord our Redeemer suffered death in the flesh…that all men might repent and come unto him” (D&C 18:10-11). We have been told that Christ would have suffered and died for each of us individually, even if any one of us had, alone, been hanging in the balance. To consider ourselves of little or no worth, then, goes beyond just being inaccurate, it actually constitutes a rejection of doctrinal truth. Some individuals become so locked in a negative view of themselves that it’s as if they almost feel that they have found some way to put themselves beyond the love of God and Jesus Christ, an interesting permutation of pride. Accepting our own inherent worth and potential is a decision, an act of faith in the revealed truth of the Restored Gospel.

Worthiness is also a choice, or a combination of the choices we make on a daily basis. Understanding our intrinsic, inherent worth is not enough on it’s own, because how we feel about ourselves is not distinct from what we do. Or, as I often told my children when they were growing up, “Pretty is as pretty does.” Prophets have often reminded us that it is not possible to do wrong and feel right. So, if we truly want to heal our wounded souls, we must obey the commandments of God. The grace of Christ is so extensive, and so generous, that even if we “come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23), our diligent efforts to please God are sufficient for us to be found worthy as we progress. Faith and works are both necessary to truly heal us from serious injury to our sense of self: faith that we are divine in our origin and potential and works consisting of our committed effort to show God that we care what He thinks of us. Again, the promise: “…my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27)

I worked once with a young married woman who had gone into a deep post-partum depression when her first child was born. She came from a painful and abusive background and had been convinced at an early age that she wasn’t worth much as a human being. We worked on eliminating those old—and flawed—“reflections” and on keeping her focus on what God and Christ knew her to be. She was doing great when one week she came to her counseling session feeling seriously depressed again. She said she had been feeling so much better until a few days ago it had occurred to her that maybe her abusive father had been right, she was worthless, and maybe believing that Heavenly Father and Christ saw her differently was the delusion. She said she wanted to believe that she was a worthwhile person but how could she be sure? My answer was simple and in the form of two questions. First, how does your life—including your relationship with your husband and your child—go when you are feeling worthwhile and have positive feelings of self-worth? Her answer: everything is better. Second, how does your life go when you feel worthless and have a negative view of yourself? Her answer: everything is worse. So, I pointed out, even if it is delusional thinking to believe that you are a good and worthwhile person, it works better. Why do anything else?

That may seem a bit flippant, but it’s not meant to be. Think about it. Why not do what works best?

We can choose to define ourselves through our relationship to God, not through our relationship with others. By going directly to God for our feelings of worth, we can heal past injuries and become less vulnerable to negativity from others. Of course, it won’t eliminate all the unpleasantness of having others attack us, but the injuries will not be  deep or devastating as we draw upon God for our sense of worth and well-being.

Again, in order to feel acceptable, we must be making sincere efforts to be obedient. Although God loves us even when we are sinful, He cannot accept us in our sins. But if we are earnestly seeking to live the gospel with consistency, God can fill us with the assurance that we are successfully moving in His direction.

Again, “…If God be for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31).

(NOTE: While the above principles really do work, let me clarify that any brief treatment of such a serious subject will undoubtedly seem rather simplistic. In many cases, it can be very helpful to access professional counseling resources to help with the healing process.)

You know, if you’d told me even five years ago that the day would come when every time I said “Merry Christmas” I’d feel like an activist, I wouldn’t have believed you.

I used to mix it up, saying “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” without a second thought. Now, like it or not, I’ve developed Seasonal Salutation Sensitivity. And, lest I be mistaken for an anti-Christmas-ite, I use the former greeting with careful consistency. In another five years, who knows, maybe saying “Merry Christmas” will identify me as a member of the Resistance.

Well, as Anne Coulter said, respectfully, of Jesus Christ in a television interview, “After 2000, He’s still ticking people off.” I’m glad I’m not a part of that group. I celebrate His birth, His life, His sacrifice, and His glorious resurrection.

As part of that celebration, I love to review and ponder some of His other names. Last night, for part of our Christmas Eve devotional, those of us who are home for Christmas shared what some of our favorite names for Christ are. The list included:

Alpha and Omega

Wonderful

Counsellor

The Prince of Peace

The King of Kings

Redeemer of Israel

The Lamb of God

Help of the Helpless (see the first verse, last line of “Abide With Me”)

The Author and Finisher of our faith

The Bright and Morning Star

Enjoy the Day. And MERRY CHRISTMAS to all.

(Part Two of the last post will be coming soon.)

Ether 12:27 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

As one with serious and debilitating weaknesses, this scripture never worked for me. Then the other day I realized why – it’s because I operate under the assumption that I’m an intrinsically bad person. If one begins with the assumption that one is an intrinsically good person, then it’s a beautiful and reaffirming statement.

I know intellectually my attitude is wrong, but it’s hard to change the wiring of your brain that results from being brought up that way. No, I wasn’t raised in an abusive home. Emotionally neglectful, perhaps, but not abusive. But the message from my father, and no doubt from his father and his father’s father, is that we are second-class beings and will never be on an even footing with normal people.

I can’t even begin to express how lonely it is to be surrounded by people and never connecting with anyone. Gah! But I’ve learned to accept it and get on with life.

RESPONSE

I know this isn’t really a question, so I won’t pretend this is an answer, but I would like to respond to your comment. What I want to say is rather lengthy, so I’ll respond in two posts. This is part one.

How we feel about ourselves is one of the core issues of life and has an enormous impact on our personal well-being as well as on our relationships. In recent decades, much has been attempted in the area of trying to boost children’s self-esteem. I don’t care much for the term “self esteem,” mostly because it is too often associated, in my opinion, with messages that we should think highly of ourselves no matter what. For whatever it’s worth, I prefer the terms “self-image” or “self worth.”

Feelings of self-worth develop at a very early age and to a large extent as a reflection of what our parents think of us. Each of us begins the process of learning who we are through what has been called the “looking-glass self,” namely, “I am what I think you think I am.” Parents or parent surrogates are the all-knowing, all-powerful beings in our early life, and to a large extent, define the world for us, including who and what we are. Other significant figures in our life—siblings, grandparents, teachers, friends, etc.—may contribute to the looking-glass self, as well, and very soon, there is little or no distinction between what others have told us we are and what we believe to be the truth. If parents are loving, caring, and positive and others around us are mostly kind, we may develop a pretty healthy sense of self and feel, at least for the most part, comfortable and confident. However, if parents and others were hurtful, critical, or abusive, children—and this is well-documented—don’t have the perspective or ability to recognize that the problem is in the painful behavior of others. In other words, the mirrors we’re looking in are fun-house mirrors that distort reflections because of curves and imperfections in the mirror. Nevertheless, the child believes that the reason for the hurts he suffers lies in some inadequacy or flaw in himself. The child concludes that “if I were smarter” or “if I were better-looking” or “if I weren’t so lazy” then “I would be treated (or liked) better.” These feelings run deep and can persist through adult life. Even when parents and others are positive, life being what it is, some hurtful messages end up being sent.  No one manages to grow to maturity without some areas of self-doubt.

These self-doubts, whether mild or severe, eventually become so deeply entrenched in our self-concept that even when we may receive positive feedback from people around us, we filter the positive through what we have come to believe is the truth of our identity and generally, we reject the positive, only allowing negative comments or evaluations to come through and reinforce our damaged self-image. The negative comments are often greeted with thoughts like, “I knew I was no good at that,” while positive comments generate thoughts such as, “If they knew me better, they wouldn’t think I was any good.” Once our minds are made up about our low value, no one around us really has much power to change our self-concept, no matter how hard or diligently they try, because we’re going to filter out the positive and only accept the negative. Any approach to improving our feelings of personal worth that is based in the opinions or responses of others is limited in what it can accomplish because of the self-image filter. This is not to say that kind and respectful treatment does not help soothe a wounded self-image and genuine loving kindness can work miracles in helping heal the injured soul. Nevertheless, for such care and love to truly and lastingly make a difference, the injured person must accept the truth of their value from the inside-out, because he or she comes to believe in their inherent value and then lives up to their potential through good works.

It may seem terribly sad that everyone gets hurt growing up, at least a little. But consider that this is the way the Plan is set up. If it were intended for each child to have perfect parents, or even parents who really knew what they were doing, it would be a different Plan. The Savior explains: “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27, emphasis added). How does the Savior give us weaknesses? My husband, in a flash of insight, once suggested that in place of the phrase “I give unto men weakness,” the Lord could have, with equal accuracy, have said, “I give unto men parents.” As we were parents at the time, this was a rather sobering thought, but it is certainly consistent with the way God works through others, using our human weaknesses to accomplish His purposes. This in no way exempts parents from the responsibility to be the best parents they can be: kind, loving, benevolent. Nevertheless, life happens, and we all do end up developing some weak areas in our sense of self.

So how do we heal a damaged and negative self-image? We need to look at the only perfect, unblemished mirrors in the universe—our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. As we come to know them, they can reveal to us who we really are. And They do so based on two things: our worth and our worthiness.

In the next post, I’ll discuss how we can apply these principles to heal our self-image wounds.